If There's Something

Chapter 11

  "Stay away from her, Micah," Rush warned. "Don't even-"

"Who the fuck are you to tell him that?" I retorted before Micah could even open his mouth. "Back off. This has nothing to do with any of you."

"Farren, language," Wes scolded and I rolled my eyes at him. "You don't even know the guy."

"Ah, but we're friends already," Micah chipped in. "We have a lot in common."

I looked at him and tried my best not to smile but it was impossible. He was talking about our mutual need to piss off Rush. He winked at me and I scoffed, covering my mouth so they wouldn't see me smile.

"Take this god-damned thing off," Rush said. "It's pissing me off." He grabbed the top of my beanie and yanked it off.

My hair fell around my face, shaping my face and brushing my neck. It was too short to even reach my shoulders.

"What the actual f-" Wes touched my hair. "Farren, what did you do?"

"I got a haircut," I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "What does it look like?"

"Like you cut all of you hair off," he barked. "And like you want us both to be killed when you go back home with that blue streak in your hair!"

"It's turquoise," I corrected and he ran a hand through his hair, groaning.

"I think it looks kind of cool," Micah touched my hair from behind and Rush's eyebrow flinched in anger.

"Of course, you do," Rush spat at the same time as Levi said, "Your hair was so beautiful...why?"

"I was wrong," Wes said softly and everyone stopped talking. "This is you acting out. Even though you tried to be popular, you kept your grades up and you stayed perfect in everyone's eyes. This-this just takes the cake."

"Perfect?" I demanded in disbelief. "Perfect for whom, Wes?"

"For yourself, Farren-"

"Well, news flash, Wes! I'm not perfect! That was a mask I wore for years in the hopes of our parents noticing me. I thought that if I was as perfect as you, maybe they'd give a damn about me but that didn't work, now, did it?"

"Far-" Levi touched my arm but I stepped back, stumbling into Micah who put his hands on my shoulders to steady me.

"My so-called friends at school didn't think I was perfect that's why Monique continued to sleep with my boyfriend while calling me her best friend," I continued. "No matter how much I grow up or change, I'm not enough for Rush."

The moment the words left my mouth, I swear everyone stopped breathing. I had never said it out loud. I had never confessed my feelings to him or to anyone. It was an unspoken secret that everyone knew about.

"Far," Rush's eyes were filled with anger, hurt and something else...guilt?

"It's true," I told him. "No matter what, I'll always be left out by you three. I don't belong anywhere, Wes. What else should I do?"

"Stop it, Farren. You know that's not true," I wish I could say I could hear the disbelief in his voice but my head was spinning too much for me to comprehend anything.

"I'll never be as perfect as you," I looked Wes in the eye. "For anyone."

I had never told him how I felt and I was finally doing it but it felt so wrong. I knew Wes had always been the only one who was there for me and that was why I had never said anything but I had come to hate not just our parents but him for getting all the love and attention and myself for never being good enough.