Words I'll Never Say

{102} Half of a Person

January 10th 2018, 15:10

It's really weird how it's been six months since I last got to touch your hands, or feel your lips, and yet I remember everything so vividly. I keep convincing myself that I'm over you. I have to be. But no matter how hard I try to push the thoughts of you away, everything always leads back to you. It doesn't matter how many guys I talk to, or temporarily fall for, all that matters is that at the end of the day, it's you on my mind.

I cannot but remember how we had morphed into the same person. We got so close, and we spent so much time together that we mastered reading each other's minds. I could tell what you were thinking just by a raise of your eyebrow. My favourite song became your favourite song, then your favourite band became my favourite band. We started loving the same movies. We studied together, watched basketball games together... And then we broke up, but damn I still love all those things. It's all still there.

But you're not.

And so I became half of a person, left on my own to assemble the other half back.

Perhaps this is why I keep comparing every guy I meet to you. Every touch, every whisper, every glance... And when I don't find you in them, I run away. Funny how I promised myself to never fall for guys like you anymore. Toxic ones. But here I am, running away from the one who, probably, deserves my love the most.

It's pathetic how you still constantly appear in my dreams. Somehow, my unconscious still finds its way home, to you. And I hate myself a little bit for it since I'm not supposed to feel this way.

It's frustrating how I still see pieces of you everywhere. I see your dark brown eyes in my morning coffee, and your gray shirt in winter's clouds. I feel your hot breath in the soft breeze, and your cold lips in the morning air. I remember all these things about you, even the smallest insignificant things. I can remember how you'd smile when I held your hand in the dark. I can remember how you'd wink at me from across the room, and I'd immediately feel safe knowing that you'd always be keeping an eye on me.

Little did I know that the one person I needed most protection from was you.

I shouldn't have allowed you to get into my head, crawl into my heart, and become the very centre of my being. Because by doing so, I allowed you to tear me apart from the inside.

And it's okay that you've already set your eyes on your next target. I hope she's good to you. I hope she makes you feel the way you made me feel. She's a wonderful person, always radiating positivity. I hope, when it all comes to an end, you don't turn off her light in the process. Poor little angel doesn't know she's in the devil's hands. Careful, do not break her wings. I know what it feels like, to be banned from flying.

~ Zeina