wanderlust (edited)

Chapter Thirteen: Those Unexpected and Events Understood

Chapter Thirteen
Those Unexpected & Events Understood
( super rad gif of Tara and James to the side,
credit: nostalgic-nights.tumblr.com )

I dream of James my first night home.

I was watching Supernatural in the living room, it was raining, and I heard the doorbell ring. I opened it up to see James standing on my porch with flowers in his hand. He fell to his knees and though he was soaking I knew he was crying.

"I messed up," he sobbed, "I messed up so badly. Take me back, Tare!"

"I don't know if I can," I'd said, ready to close the door.

He stood up and grabbed me and pulled me into him and together we kissed out in the porch in the pouring rain. But suddenly he was gone. And I was standing alone on my porch. I saw a car with its lights on from across the street. Though the storm raged on terribly, I could make out two all-too-familiar people.

Mickey and James were making out in his truck. The one we'd driven to New York in together and he'd told me all his wonderful stories and sung to me in. I fell to my knees, and I saw James look up, as though frightened. I heard is words through the rain.

"Oh, it's just Tara."

I wake up sobbing.

Kara had left, so for once it is just me.

All alone.

I wipe away my tears and blow my nose, but I can't seem to fall back to sleep. It is 3 in the morning. I decide to take a shower.

I slip out of bed and into Kara and I's shared bathroom. Most of her stuff is gone. It reminds me that I should leave soon, too. I don't want to be a burden to Mom or Dad.

I step into the steaming shower, and willfully let the boiling drops attack my skin and relax my muscles. It's so hot and while a normal person would feel uncomfortable, I just feel numb. I stayed in there for over an hour, just letting the water wash over me, and cleanse me.

My hands are shaking as I turn off the shower and step out onto the cool tile flooring. I wince when I see how dreadfully red my skin is. I grab a towel and hiss as I begin to feel the consequences of taking such a burning hot shower.

After wiping a spot away in the mirror, I take a long, hard look at myself.

The nasty thoughts that used to consume my brain are silent for once. It's like all the torment they'd given me through the past few years has been too much, and now they have to rest.

Believe it or not, I feel happy.

After everything that'd happened these past few weeks, after everything I'd been through, I feel relieved. I don't have to deal with all of James's bipolar crap anymore. I don't have to see Hunter around every corner I turned, nor Claire and Caesar and their prefect relationship constantly mocking me. Parker is not hiding in my thoughts. It's like a burden has been lifted from me, and I suddenly feel much lighter.

I am home.

I am safe.

I am free.

I guess I didn't love James as much as I thought I did. Maybe that final push was what I needed. I can't take his crap, nor anyone else's anymore. I needed to decide to be happy, and I am going to do just that. I'll just forget about him and all his stupid selfish-ness and all the pain he's caused me.