❛ felt like i could die from the thought
of losing you. ❜
⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯
SHE DRAGGLED BEHIND him up the stairs and entered into his bedroom, where she finds him standing at his dresser remissly lobbing his clothes aside with his pale back faced towards her. Ronnie quietly ambles further into the room and perches down onto the bed.
She's bogged and addled; unable to search for the right words to say that would possibly make the situation better. "So.." She soughs, finally obtaining a small dose of courage to speak although her voice still seethed with timidity. "On a scale from one to ten how much do you hate me right now?" Ronnie probed, causing his movements to halt and his body to go taut. She hears him exhale an audible sigh.
"I don't hate you, Ronnie." River assures her though the statement didn't succor the uneasy feeling that still scampered through her body and the brittle queasiness that settle in the lower parts of her abdomen. "I'm just—why didn't you tell me?" The question befuddled her. She always had the intention of informing him about the news, but they'd just began dating and she didn't want to bombard him with knowing that there was a slight possibility that she would be moving.
Ronnie assumed that the interlude of telling him would somehow make it simpler but as she sits there with her shoulders slumped, head declined and listening to him utter words full of despair she could see that she was greatly mistaken. "I don't know, I guess I thought that not telling you right away would be easier. I applied months ago. Way before we started dating."
Though he appreciated her attempt, River still couldn't help but feel disconcerted by the news. The thought of being abroad and no longer being in the presence of Ronnie abashed him.
"I'm just visiting the campus for a week. It's not guaranteed that I'll get in."
"But what if you do?" River catechizes suddenly; swallowing the lump that formed in the back of his throat then turning around and meeting the gaze of her beady brown eyes.
Ronnie diverts her attention away, finding it difficult to maintain eye contact with his clouded irises leering at her in such a pleading manner. "What if you get accepted and have to move to another state?" Again finding herself buffaloed by his pondering inquisitiveness, she shrugs her slouched shoulders - slowly beginning to chastise herself for listening to the messages while he was in the room.
This was the initial reasoning for her avoidance of telling him, simply because she knew that the conversation would take a steep shift in direction. When she first applied to the school the thought of moving never unnerved her but as her relationship with River developed she realized that the issue still resided alongside her and she couldn't eschew it, no matter how hard she attempted to.
"Why do we have to talk about this now? We're supposed to be getting dressed so we can go out, I don't want to think about any of this. I just want to go out and have a good time with my boyfriend." She accentuated in hopes that she could forestall the conversation for another time. Ronnie didn't want the possibility of her departure to interfere with the shared time they have together but River, however, was unable to retract himself from his musings.
"Because," River proclaims chiding lowly to himself as he throws his hands in the air in a defeating manner. "All I can think about is you leaving, Ronnie. You going to that school and moving thousands of miles away." He felt inane and selfish but he was unable to contain his worries.
All Ronnie could do was sit there tacitly, quelled by her own musings wondering how they transitioned into having a wondrous morning full of love making and jubilance; that shifted into a night dwelled with somberness and trivial events.
♡
Needing someone desperately to confide in, River finds himself sitting on the couch aslant from Teddy; somberly venting as he brings the lithe cigarette to his rosy lips and inhales a sharp breath. The days proceeding to Ronnie's visit were drawing near and he couldn't bear the overwrought feeling that ascended.
He didn't console in Ronnie because he didn't want his selfish feelings to contribute in her decision if she was accepted into the University. The fact that there was a diminutive part of him that was infuriated by the bombardment of the news left him conflicted because he was ecstatic that she'd gotten the interview, but inconsiderably he didn't want to see her leave.
He loved Ronnie and the mere thought of her possibly moving away was just something he couldn't fathom - but still, River understood that it wasn't his decision to make it was hers.
"I don't want her to harbor any malice or hostility towards me. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I asked her to stay? I can't be selfish, Teddy no matter how much I love and want her to stay. I can't ask her to give up something that important for me." He reiterated, discarding the excess of the cigarette butt into the ashtray that was placed on the table.
"Maybe you're thinking in too deep, I mean what if she doesn't get in?" The auburn haired man inquired curiously, initiating the same speck of hope that Ronnie tried to give him earlier - and just like the latter, it paid no justice in his perplexed emotions.
"You don't get it, Ted." River states as he shifts his body and meets the gaze of his glaucous eyed friend. "This school is offering her scholarships, she's been wanting to get into the Criminal Justice program there since she graduated high school. Her mother got her degree there and she wants to follow in her footsteps. Ronnie's not like me, she has everything going for her. I'd never forgive myself if I denied her a chance at going to her dream school. So, if she does get accepted I'm gonna tell her that she should go."
The words pained him immediately as they escaped through his sealed lips. Though affliction thronged in every crevice of his body, River knew that after pondering on the situation, that the conclusion of being supportive was more vital than his selfish desires of wanting her to stay.
