Scary Stories

Rules Of Survival

There are certain rules of survival in horror movies. The movie Scream had some rules, but they weren't very useful. Our rules are much better and teach you exactly how to survive a horror movie.

1. Don't walk around saying "Hello?" like the killer is going to reply "Yeah I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"

2. If someone says "Oh yeah, that's the house where Old Man Jenkins was murdered" then it's time to move house.

3. If your friend gets bitten by a zombie and says "Maybe I wont turn into one", kill him. Better safe than sorry.

4. Upstairs? Bad idea. Outside? Don't go there. Phone? Never works. Gun? Don't drop it. Car? Won't start. Neighbors? Never home. Police? Always die.

5. If something licks your hand in the darkness, it's not your dog. Your dog is dead.

6. Stay away from places like Amityville, Haddonfield, Camp Crystal Lake, Elm Street and the entire state of Maine.

7. If you're running around completely naked, you might as well just murder yourself.

8. If you are black, you will be the first to die. I don't know why, but for some reason, in horror movies, black people always get killed first.

9. If you are annoying or a wise-ass, you will die before the black guy.

10. If you are a hot blond girl with big boobs, you will die before the annoying guy and the black guy.

11. If you open the door and there is a man standing there, holding an axe, he didn't come to chop firewood.

12. Never go to the toilet alone. If needs be, poop your pants. It's much safer.

13. If you see a clown, RUN. That clown isn't hanging around to make you some balloon animals!

14. Leave slow or clumsy friends behind. Every man for himself. Somebody's got to live to tell the story.

15. Don't split up and look for clues. Everything you learned from Scooby-Doo is wrong.

16. You know that creepy clown statue upstairs that is freaking you out? Well it's not a statue.

17. Never say "I'll be right back" because you won't be right back.

18. When you're walking around a spooky old house, at least try turning the lights on!

19. If you're running from the killer, you're going to trip and fall down at least twice. More if you're a girl.

20. If you trip and fall, don't lay there with the "Ow it hurts" face. Get up and continue running!

21. If the killer is chasing you, you don't have to run fast. Just faster than your friends.

22. No matter how fast you run, the killer will always be right behind or in front of you, despite the fact that he is shuffling along at a slower and more dramatic pace.

23. On a stormy night, you will find an open window that you were sure was locked. It didn't magically unlock itself!

24. Whatever you do, remember that the killer will never forget what you did last Summer.

25. If you're pointing a gun at the killer, don't say "If you move I'll shoot! I'm serious!" Just shoot him already!

26. Just lay down on the floor and pretend to be dead. Hey, it works for bears... doesn't it?

27. Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.

28. If you see something moving, hit it with a baseball bat... even if it turns out to be your friend. Swing first, say sorry later.