Breaking Barricades (Levi x Reader)

2. ** Departure **

 
I woke to the sound of shirts shifting over skin and bootstraps tightening.  I guess I ended up sleeping after all.  I pushed the sheets off of me and draped my legs off the side of my bunk.  My heart fluttered when I remembered what day it was: the day I could escape from my cage. 

I joined my fellow soldiers in our morning routine, which was now followed by assembling our gear for battle.  A few newer young soldiers seemed to fumble nervously with their equipment, trying so hard to focus on the task at hand.  However, we all knew what was waiting for us once we left the outer exterior.  For some, it was just another day.  For others, it would be their first, maybe even last, encounter with the Titans.  

I saddled up my horse quickly, eager to join my commanding officers near the gate: Commander Erwin Smith, Section Commander Hange Zoë, Section Commander Miche Zacharius, and, of course, my Squad Leader, Captain Levi.  I was still baffled by the strange interaction we had shared the night before, but now wasn't the time to think about it.  All I cared about was going outside.

I began tugging my horse's reins back and forth, causing her to pace side to side, as I tried to channel my restlessness. Levi must have sensed my impatience and guided his horse over to mine calmly.

"Oi, (L/N), save your horse's energy for when you really need it.  Like when a Titan is chasing your ass."

I glared at him but complied.  I wouldn't admit it, but he was right.  I inhaled deeply through my nose and settled both myself and my horse. Focus.

"...And don't forget about what I said last night," Levi muttered under his breath.

I was too stubborn and embarrassed to meet his gaze, so I just stared at his cape as it lightly danced around his shoulders from the breeze.  Annoyed by my reluctance to give him my full attention, he yanked his horse's reins vigorously to align parallel to me, forcing eye contact.

"(L/N), now is not the time for your stubborn ass to be selfish.  I'm serious.  Look around you, at all of these new recruits.  They've already all shit themselves, and we haven't even left the main gate.  You're one of the best soldiers we've got when it comes to taking down those stupid Titans, but you suck at actually caring about the humans around you.  There's gonna be a moment in your life when you have to risk forfeiting that freedom you've been obsessing over and save their sorry green asses from being eaten.  Whether you want to or not."

My eyes burned with fury.  He had no idea what he was talking about.  I had fought so hard to get to where I was, and I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way.  He must have recognized the agony I was trying to hide behind my anger because his cold eyes slightly softened and his tone changed.

"Oi...just don't let your past make your decisions for you anymore, alright?  Or you'll just continue to regret them."

Somehow his words resonated within me.  No matter how far I tried to run from my past, it always seemed to catch up with me.  Had I really been too blind to see that I still wasn't in control of my own life? I hadn't always been cold and selfish... that just wasn't who I was. I had been left so raw and vulnerable that I had been forced to withdraw, to push people away.  Someone else had decided that I should be a punching bag, a receptacle for their insecurities.  When someone made the decision to steal my innocence, it wasn't my choice to distrust others from then on.  I wasn't the one who was choosing my path... It was everyone else.

I hesitated, in that very moment I had yearned for, questioning whether or not it was my choice to venture into the unknown after all.  Had it just become a glorified suicide mission?  No.  No... It IS my decision to fight.  Once I leave these walls behind, it will be ME that determines my future and no one else!