Why Me?

27. Is it On?

How did I honestly let my life get to this stage? To speak truthfully I don't even know. Do I regret that one moment in my life two years ago?

Yes, more than anything I regret it.

If I could go back and time, and take back ever meeting Hanzu Atsumu would I?

Yes, because of him I was led down this path of destruction.

Because of him, I just want to give up.

Give up on what you may ask? That answer is simple.

On everything.

...

Two Years Ago

Sitting on the stool, I shifted on the seat to get comfortable. Glancing up I stare up at the camera on the stand. "Is it on?" I asked with zero hint of emotion to my voice or displayed on my face. I was hollow, an empty vessel.

"Yes, we are now taping." Hanzu smiled at me from behind the camera. "When you're ready Hika."

Nodding my head, my pitch black hair fell across my bright blue eyes. Taking a deep steady breath, I once more look into the video camera once more.

"For those of you who don't know me, my name is Hikaru Yamashita. I don't know why you all decided to hate me, but now I hate myself. I know most of you don't even care, or won't even watch this at all. So let me make this video short and simple."

My eyes flickered up and I was met with his beautiful violet ones.

"Yes I am gay, yes I like guys. So if that is why you all treat me as you do, than fine. At least I was always honest with myself, and never once lied about who I was."

A sigh left my lips.

"But now, I can't take it anymore. I can't see any other way out anymore, I am tired of living. I thought of every option known to me, and this is the only way out for me. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to wake up each and every morning. I just want it all to finally end."

Looking down to my lap I speak clearly.

"I am just so tired, sleep is not the answer I seek or need. I am tired of everything. Tired of my life, tired of living. I know there will be no one who will miss me, so why do I even bother recording this video."

My eyes look back to the camera lens, emptiness shows in my blue eyes.

"My life is truly pointless, goodbye."

Sitting in silence on the stool, I watch the red recording light turn off on the small camera.

"Nicely done." Hanz walks up to me slowly. "But that was only part of it Hika. If you truly wish all your pain and suffering to end." He took my hand, and placed a razor blade into my hand. "You know what you need to do." He whispered into my ear. "Hikaru Yamashita, I love you so much. We will be together eternally."

Kissing me passionately, though I felt nothing from it. I sat there, as he left my bedroom leaving me fully alone.

Staring down at the razor, I bring it up to my left wrist.

"Goodbye." Whispering I press the sharp blade into my wrist, and pull it up my arm along my vein.

Watching the red blood pour from my deadly cut, I feel my body and mind growing weak. There is no going back now. Laying down on my floor, blood starts to form around my body. Closing my eyes, I lay there and wait for death to take me.

...