depth of darkness || nakahara chuuya x reader

6

the training room was empty, except for you and chuuya, and between of the two of you, you had just arrived.

"always nearly late, but not quite." chuuya states pleasingly as you shut the door behind you, adjusting the gray sweatpants you wore.

"always annoying me as soon as i show up." you mumble, towing off your shoes and stepping onto the mat with the blue-eyed man.

"i want us to work well together, y/n." chuuya starts placing his hands on his slender waist. "and to work well together we have to be able to trust each other."

your eyebrows raised in question, your hands quickly finding their way to your hips in an effort to mimic his nonchalant demeanor. "and how do you expect to create trust between us?" you question, a disapproving tone in to your voice.

chuuya shrugged as if what he was about to say  wasn't important. "well we have to know things about each other tone a good team, right?" he glanced up at you, catching your unimpressed expression right away.

"what do you want to know?" you question, moving your hands from your hips, to cross your arms defensively.

chuuya's expression changed from irritated waiting, to pleased surprise. you watch as he tries to formulate a question in his head. what was his deal? you don't need teamwork, you need to get the mission done. still, you admitted you did need some form of cooperation, and if this would get that, then so be it.

"what do you like?" he asks, catching you by surprise. you assumed he would ask about your ability. you didn't expect him to care about personal interests. you had expected him to search for how he could work with your battle preferences, if you had any.

you shrugged your shoulders, you couldn't formulate the answer in your head. truth be told, you didn't really have one for him. you had no idea what you liked and what you didn't. the only thing you really did in your spare time was read, and that was mostly because kouyou thought it might brighten your spirit. you weren't at all sure if you really liked it. after all, you didn't really do anything else, so there was nothing to compare it to.

you struggled to find an answer, and eventually just spit out the only thing you really thought you could. "i don't know."  you stated, staring at your feet below you. did chuuya really expect you to know what you enjoyed? you haven't had the chance to really experience anything since before your abduction, and that was quite a long time ago.

"you don't know? do you like any particular color? pastime?" every topic of possible interest you shrugged at, an embarrassed flush adorning our cheeks as you tucked your hands into the pockets of your sweatpants.

"as in you don't have a favorite animal? no song you like? no favorite food? nothing from before you were kidnapped?" chuuya sounded incredulous, and almost frustrated at the prospect of not having anything he could connect to you with. you didn't know anything.

you shook your head. "i don't really know what i liked before everything happened. i remember my mother and how she looked. i remember when she died. but everything i could possibly remember being interested in was forgotten after the third year." you spoke quietly, maintaining your calm, flat tone. "weren't we supposed to see how well our abilities worked toge-"

"so with no interests, your only skill is killing?" chuuya questioned, the potential weight of his words not reaching him as the frustration of being unable to get through to you with anything, due to the fact that you just didn't know anything that you enjoyed. how could he partner with a robot?

"..what?" you questioned, the shock of his question and the harshness he spoke with when he asked it, clearly showing on your face as you stared at the man who was only a little taller than you yourself. you felt the mans words come crashing down on you as you processed them, an intense irritation and feeing of sorrow wash over you with the force of his observation. "i'm only good for-" you shook your head, a conflicted expression crossing your face as you attempted to understand your own thoughts on the bold remark.

you had almost nothing except killing in your skill set, and that realization hit you hard as you realized that as long as the only thing you can do is kill, then that's the only thing you're good for. but you didn't want that. you wanted to be whole, with so many talents and opinions. you wanted to have the strength kouyou did, and still understand and admire the beauty of certain vulnerabilities.

how could you be anything like the image you had envisioned when you wanted to have so many other qualities and complexities along with a large skill set that consisted of more than taking lives, but couldn't seem to understand where to begin.

you shook your head, directing your anger at chuuya instead of yourself. he's making your head hurt with conflicting thoughts and emotions, and you flared hard at the ginger man, who suddenly looked regretful of his words.

"i didn't have a choice to learn. and they made me forget. i'm sure i was good at just about everything before i was taken for experimentation, but for the life of me, i can't remember." you gritted our through your teeth, aggravations growing more and more as the seconds ticked by. "you don't understand. so you don't get to tell me what the fuck it is i'm good at, when i could be good at lots, and neither of us know it yet!" you yelled at him, the feeling of obligation to embarrassingly defend your reasoning for having nothing that you've taken an interest in disappearing once you'd finished your rant.

you continued to glare at chuuya as he stepped forward, probably to retract his statement. you held up a hand to stop him from speaking. "i don't want to hear it. i'll find things i'm good at! but you can stay the hell away from me til the mission. guess we'll just have to wing it without this training."

you spin on your heel, turning away from the man as tears sting the corners of your eyes. you don't need him to witness your self doubt.
you knew he would turn out the same as everyone else.

no respect

chuuya had no respect for the situation you'd found yourself in for eight years, and had officially raised a storm of fighting emotions inside of you.

how will i ever prove that i'm not just a weapon, if all i can do is torture and kill?

i'm no better than a brainwashed animal if all i can do is follow the order to end a targets life.

you find yourself with more and more doubt in your potential with each hurried step you take back towards your room.

i don't need to listen to him

i'll show him that i'm good for more than assassination.

you weren't sure if you were growing more determined or not, but you hoped that you could prove yourself to kouyou, even if chuuya didn't think so.

he was just like everyone else, even if you had foolishly believed otherwise for a while the night before.

i worry about whether or not i can become whole

what if there's too much of me gone?