Socially Distanced

Chapter 1

     My name is Mabel Weeks and I'm a germaphobe. That's how I usually introduce myself to people once they've know me for a decent amount of time. To everyday acquaintances, I'm just ...Mabel, but I'm also weird. I'm the quiet girl who sits in the back of her lectures. I'm the girl who rushes to the bathroom to wash her hands after every class. I'm the girl who wears her hair up in a bun every day to avoid it touching the back of the chairs at school. I'm the girl who opens doors with the bottom of her shirt. I'm the girl who carries rubbing alcohol and handsanitizer with her at all times. I'm the girl who won't let anyone get close to her.

All of these things describe me pretty well. This is how everyone sees me. This is who I am to them because they don't know me. All they know is that I'm some introverted outcast. This may be how they look at it... but to me, I'm someone completely different. I wish I could let them in, but I can't. I need to appear this way for my own safety.

To me, I'm the girl who was diagnosed with OCD in third grade. I'm the girl who suffers from emetophobia every waking moment. I'm the hidden extrovert who will do anything to protect her secret. I'm the girl who hides her true self away because she doesn't want to burden anyone with her problems.

I have to be this way because I don't want to jeopardize my health or anyone else's health. The world is just one big petri dish. That's how I view it.

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was in third grade. No, I don't preform repetitive tasks. That's what most people think of when they hear "obsessive compulsive disorder." My OCD manifests itself in the form of germaphobia, and it's all due to one thing: I'm emetophobic.

Most people just see me as a big, introverted germaphobe. I'm a lot more than that though. As far back as I can remember, I have been absolutely terrified of seeing other people vomit. Because of this, I do everything I can to remain clean and not infect anyone with any sort of stomach bug. It's always been my goal to keep others around me healthy. I never want to be the reason someone gets sick. Now all of this might sound selfless and heroic, but it's not. It comes from a very selfish place. I do all of this to prevent myself from having to see others get sick. I feel like if I keep myself and the things around me clean, I can keep other people healthy and clean.

I remember one horrific day in Kindergarten when I had to experience my greatest fear. A boy in my class was about to get sick, and I was mortified. I was shaking and I couldn't move from my spot. The entire class had turned around to view this very captivating experience, but here I am, five year old Mabel, facing the wall with her eyes squeezed shut and her hands over her ears. I stayed this way until the boy had left the room to venture to the nurse's office. This is when I first noticed I had a problem.

I've let this problem take over my entire life. I feel like I'm trapped inside my body as I watch each day get more and more challenging for me. Each day adds a new cleaning ritual. Each day it takes longer to disinfect my belongings. Each day I talk to less and less people. I would get help... but I can't. I don't want people to know my secret because honestly, it's stupid. I acknowledge that it's absolutely ridiculous, but that's what makes it a pathological fear. I can't control it and I don't know why it's so scary for me. It just is.

I also absolutely hate catching colds. I know, I know. You're probably asking: who doesn't? Well here's my question for you: why doesn't everyone try to avoid getting sick if they hate it so much?

Nobody hates getting sick more than me. Although I'm not scared of it, when it happens, I obsess on it every second that that it effects me. I can't think of anything else until it leaves my body. To me, there aren't many things worse than getting sick. The only thing worse than that is seeing other people get sick. Seeing other people... vomit. That's just how my brain is wired. On top of already being a germaphobe, my emetophobia completely destroys me.

These are the reasons I can't get help. Nobody is going to be able to take this fear away or turn me into a normal person who can function in society. I would like to just live my life in isolation because that is what is easiest for me. It has become too difficult to be around other people and try to seem okay.

Sometimes I try to imagine what life would be like if I could actually enjoy it. I'm so jealous of people who can live their lives normally. They don't have to succumb to this fear and mental illness. Lucky.

These are the things I think about before I go to bed. I probably shouldn't because I have a big day ahead of me, but I just can't help it. Here I am laying in my bed and staring at the ceiling on a school night. Tomorrow is my first day of my second year at university. That's right, it's that time again. Summer is on its deathbed and the joys of education are right around the corner. I roll my eyes. Another year of dreading the struggles of just trying to live my life.

School makes my germaphobia so much worse. It's honestly hard for me to even drag myself there knowing what terrors await me. I shudder and click out my light. That's enough thinking for one night.