Socially Distanced

Chapter 18

     "Thank the lord!," shouted Brett. "I was sure I had overstepped my boundaries."

I laughed. "No, Baby, you didn't." 

"It's too bad that 'Professor Snoops-A-Lot' missed out on this dramatic conclusion," laughed Brett. "I'm surprised that she felt the need to tell us she had been reading all of our private stuff. Maybe she felt guilty."

"Can't you just picture her racing to her computer everyday, bag of popcorn in hand?" I joked. "It must've been like a romance novel."

"And now she'll never know the ending. Actually," started Brett. "We may have finally declared our love for each other or whatever, but we haven't concluded your journey yet. You have one more fear to conquer, maple syrup."

I sighed. "I do, but I think I'm finally ready. You have no idea how much you've helped me, Brett. It's been a long month of facing my fears, and I couldn't have done it without you."

"I've enjoyed seeing you get better. It mustn't have been easy to live your life like that, with so much of it stolen away due to your fears... so much holding you back."

"I used to sit around and feel sorry for myself," I began. "But then I realized something. All this time, I was the one holding myself back. Nobody was here making me miserable, no, that was all my own doing. I started to become a germaphobe when I was a kid, thinking it would ease my fears if I just felt cleaner, you know? Maybe if I used the hand sanitizer I wouldn't be so scared. Maybe if I washed my hands I could calm down. I started this. I started this... this fire, and I let it burn me alive. All this time, I could've been the one to put it out, but I never bothered to. I only ever wallowed in my own misery, thinking 'poor me.' I let it get worse, and worse, and worse."

"That's where you're wrong, Mabel. You didn't ask to be emetophobic. You didn't ask to have a brain that told you 'avoid vomit. Vomit's scary.' It's just something that you were born with."

"I guess I've never thought of it that way," I said, smiling.

"Meet me at my place tomorrow?" asked Brett.

"12:00?" I asked.

"12:00," Brett confirmed.

We hung up and I just stared at the ceiling, thinking. All the things that I fantasized about were coming true. I was becoming a normal person. I was enjoying my life. I wasn't just surviving for once, no, I was living.

I stayed up late that night, nervous for what tomorrow would bring, but for once, I fully believed in myself. I was no longer just repeating empty words to myself. Now these words had truth and meaning behind them.

I went to bed, thinking about Brett until I fell asleep. In the morning, time crawled by. I just wanted to get this over with. Not that I wasn't excited to see Brett again, but I certainly wasn't excited about what I was going to encounter. 

When 11:30 finally rolled around, I left my house and drove to Brett's apartment, arriving a little before 12:00.

Brett opened the door. "You're early for once," he joked. His cat came rushing over to greet me again, and I pet him.

"Let's just get this over with," I said, feeling nervous.

Brett shrugged. "As long as you're ready." We walked into the kitchen and he opened the fridge. "You'll never guess what I found!" He beamed and held up a jar of peanut butter and jelly mixed together.

"Look at this! Peanut butter and jelly in one jar! Isn't this the coolest?"

I laughed. My nerves were starting to stir, but I was trying to remain calm.

"Yeah, yeah," I muttered and waved him on to continue.

He downed half the jar within a couple of minutes. "I think that's probably more than enough, Brett," I said.

"You're probably right," he agreed. "There's no turning back now."

I looked over at him. "Don't remind me!" I was starting to get really stressed out. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe I wasn't ready for this. No, I told myself. I'm a different person now. I'm going to live my life the way I want now. My fears can't control me anymore.

Suddenly Brett grabbed his throat. I spun around and covered my ears. "Okay, maybe I wasn't ready for this after all." I reverted back to the person I used to be. A memory from kindergarten came flooding back to me; five year old Mabel, with her eyes squeezed shut and her hands over her ears, cowering in fear. All these years later, I was still no different from her.

With my hands still over my ears, I didn't hear anything, but I felt something. It felt like something hit the floor, something heavy. Without thinking, I opened my eyes and lowered my hands, turning around. 

It was Brett. He had collapsed on the floor, holding his throat with wide eyes before eventually passing out.

With a sickening feeling of dread, I realized something; Brett got sick from eating peanut butter for a reason... he's having an allergic reaction! He just downed half the jar... and now I needed to do something. 

Do CPR! Screamed my thoughts. I paused. CPR would involve mouth-to-mouth... that was the one thing I hadn't done yet, and I couldn't do.

This illness robbed me of my entire life. It took away my friends, it took away my dreams, and now? Now it's taking him away too.

I fell to my knees. The world was spinning. This is all my fault. Why couldn't I just be normal for once?