Mʏ Mᴇʟᴀᴛᴏɴɪɴ ᵃ ˢʰⁱᵍᵃʳᵃᵏⁱ ˣ ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ

11- Contemplation

Your hand gently grips the fabric of the curtain. You test the water with your hand. It seems just about right. You step in. It's all too silent. Much too quiet. Too easy to get lost in your own head. In the silence your mind starts to distract itself with thoughts. So many thoughts.

So many in fact that it seems to almost drag you out of your body, drags you into something unknown. Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts. So much. Many begging the questions 'Why am I here? What keeps me here? Why don't I go home? Why does it hurt to think about leaving? Why do I want to stay? What do I like about him? What about him keeps me here?'  

Why is it so painful to come to terms with my reality? This is my life now. I know I have to expect it sooner or later. But why is it so hard? Why do I like him?  You start to feel tears roll down your cheeks. Your tears pool in your eyes then leak out in vast streams. You wipe them away swiftly. 

You scream in your head. Why do I love him!?! Why do I care about him!? He HURT me! Why do I even trust him!?! Why do I feel like I need him!? Why do I want to kiss him? Why do I want to hold him!? Why does he make me feel so special!!!?? Why? WHY!?  You pause and try to recollect yourself. You try to silence your crying. You didn't want anyone to come and see you like this. Hell, you didn't even want to see yourself. You feel so disgusted at the fact that you genuinely loved the man who kidnapped you. Was it his cute little nicknames for you? Was it the fact that you weren't alone anymore? Why? What was it?  What made him so damn special? 

Maybe it's his smile. The way he looks at you. The way he laughs. How he's a nerd.  No.. No..

God. What am I doing? I'm sitting in some criminal's tub bawling my eyes out. I should at least try to clean myself up.. I should try to be quick too.. I have no clue how long I've been in here. You pick up a small plastic bottle and read the label. "Alright. Lets hurry this up." You whisper to yourself. You pour out the contents into your hand and scrub it into your hair.  You do the same with another small bottle. You turn off the water and -once again- pull back the curtain with a gentle tug. You pick up the cotton towel left on the toilet for you and wrap yourself with it. 

With a large sigh you open the bathroom door to let yourself out. You walk into Shigaraki's bedroom, half expecting him to be sitting on his mattress waiting for you but to your surprise, he was nowhere to be found. 

After sitting on the bed -in the same spot you imagined Tomura would be laying when you first came in- and thinking -as if you haven't done enough of that yet- you get up and pick out some of his clothes out of his dresser to wear for now. You grabbed a pair of boxers and a rather large T-shirt that drooped down to the middle of your thighs. It smelled like him. mmm.. Why is he so addicting?  You jump up when someone knocks at the door. "Uh! Come in!" you exclaim.  "Kurogiri? What are you doing up here?" You say as you see the now familiar black and purple mist enter the room. He ignores your question. 

"May I sit next to you dear?" He asks politely. You nod your head. "I wanted to confess some important things to you, somethings that I feel you must know." He starts. "Go on," You nod. "Well first off, I would like to apologize to you for what I did. I helped Tomura kidnap you. And for that I'm sorry. But I would also like to thank you. You've caused me to think about people a little differently. Ya'know, as a villain, we hurt and murder and kidnap many people and I didn't think much of it because I was just following directions. But now, since I've met you and talked to you and really seen your outlook of things here it makes me feel differently. So thank you Y/n."

At first, you looked up at him with a confused expression but as you thought about it, it started to make sense to you. You hug him as you say "You're welcome Kurogiri." You hold each other for a little then Kurogiri continues his little speech. "I'm not supposed to feel this way. You have seen the nomus on television haven't you?" You nod once again.  "Well, I am simply one of them. I was created to protect and serve Tomura. I just look different from them and I have the ability to speak. I really do feel bad for them. I think Tomura does too he just doesn't show it. He doesn't show how he feels about many things." Kurogiri chuckles. " I think he really does love you though. I don't except you to feel the same towards him but I truly think he loves you." 

You take this as an opportunity to tell Kurogiri how you feel. "About that..." You chuckle nervously and fidget with your fingers. "I erm- this has really been bugging me.. I've had a lot of mixed feelings about Tomura. I feel like I love him but I feel bad. Like, he kidnapped me, he's keeping me like an animal and he doesn't really bond with me.. But sometimes he gets all cuddly and all sweet and it's all cute. I just don't even know how to feel." You sigh.

Kurogiri hums. "Try talking to him about it. Maybe you guys can find a middle ground, something that works for both of you."  You consider the idea. "It would be nice if I got that cuddly sweet side of him all the time. I just don't want to be afraid of him anymore. I want him to be like a boyfriend, not a captor."

 "I understand. I would like to know what you would expect or want from him in a relationship." Kurogiri asks. "Well, ya'know, normal boyfriend stuff. Like going out on dates, eating with me, cuddling with me. I need us to be on the same level." You explain. "I can talk to him about it if you'd like." Kurogiri says. 

Suddenly Tomura comes in. Kurogiri gets up and moves to the door. "Thank you for talking to me Y/n." Kurogiri walks out as Tomura sits down. 

"Hey little bunny." Shigaraki flirts with you. You giggle slightly. "Hey Tomura? Can we talk for a bit?" You ask nervously. "Sure?" Shigaraki replies. "Well.. Kurogiri and I were talking and we've come up with a good idea. Could we be official?  Like-... I don't know how to put it." you murmur the last part timidly. 

You look up to see Tomura staring down at his hands, seemly weighing out his options. He did like you enough to bring you here so you shouldn't be worried about him not wanting you anymore.....right? 

You fidget with your hands restlessly. "So.. you are asking me to be your boyfriend?" 

Your face lights up bright red. You shift your feet and avert your eyes. "Way to be blunt." You blurt out playfully. You're aware that you're acting like a small child but you don't care anymore. Tomura is a bit of a child himself so what's the problem?

"Well I'm already here so, I mine as well make the best of it."                                                                            "So making the best of it is being with me?"

You pause. You hadn't even realized what you said. You consider it for a moment.

'Is being with him really ideal? Not like I have much of a choice to back out.. I already asked him.'

You sigh. 'what did I get myself into?'