Unwanted Wedlock

Chapter 6

*A few swear words

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Ryerson and Lyla actively avoided each other. Lyla knew that Ryerson wasn't a truly bad guy. She had seen him with his young nieces. He had a sister with two twin daughters at the age of five. 

During the wedding, she saw how he played with them. How he affectionately kissed their foreheads. He didn't seem like a bad guy. He was also not one of those rich men who just got where he was through inheritance. 

She had found out that Ryerson Reeds had started with the company at the age of sixteen. At the time the company was crashing and only his hard work and sleepless nights let it stay on its feet. Without that, the company would've been non-existent at this point. She knew he was a hard worker and that he could be sweet and affectionate sometimes. But that was no excuse for talking to her like that.

Lyla didn't give him small smiles anymore, not even trying. Honestly, she had been trying this entire time -it had been two weeks into their marriage- even though it was her who longingly yearned for a happy marriage, she was the one who decided she should at least try and that arrogant person who called himself a man went along to speak to her like that. 

Lyla wasn't particularly affected, sure she didn't really feel happy about it and her state of mind wasn't any better because of it, but what he said were things she had repeated to herself millions of times before. Whenever she was left out, or just away from the crowd there were times where she would break down in the first enclosed, alone place and these thoughts were repeated. 

No. She wasn't particularly hurt, she had said the same thing to herself. And had been told the same thing by many different people over time. But something about her pain was that it gave her a new knowledge, understanding, and awareness of herself and her surroundings. She could imagine others going through the same thing and had the same awareness. She understood that as she was mentally and verbally hurt with words she became numb enough that nobody else could hurt her. 

A person was supposed to love themselves, so when they hated themselves, people overestimated how much they felt hurt when other people insulted things they insulted themselves for. Like in this case, because she had often spoken Ryerson's same words to herself, she, a girl who was supposed to love herself, she insulted herself like that she was numb and immune to other people's insults. That's how strong she was, or rather how strong she had become and grown. 

And if someone insulted the parts of her she loved, like how she loved her independence, she wouldn't feel hurt. Because with a lack of love for the majority of her, the love for things she truly appreciated about herself were loved more. Therefore when someone commented on those only her pride was bruised and her anger was sparked. Nothing particularly special. The worst part was that Ryerson was able to set off both of these in her, something she hadn't experienced before. 

Lyla knew how all of this sounded, though. She sounded like a person who could only feel a few things, anger and arrogance and the rest of the time she was numb. But was she? No. She wasn't. She wasn't a monster, she knew that. She just didn't know what was going on. She never did. Her head was a mess, her emotions were always a mess, and her mind was just chaos. But did she care? 

No. 

She didn't. And she wasn't ashamed of that either. Because she knew that there were parts in her that were just unable to be shown. Like her desperateness to love and be loved. Who was there to help her with that? That was the one thing she truly needed. But where on Earth was she going to get things like that? 

These were the kinds of things she thought to herself when she was staring out the balcony for hours together. These were the thoughts she knew that Reeds was curious for, but these were things she wouldn't dare to share. Why? Apart from the fact she was sure he didn't even care, she just didn't know how.