heart shaped box

four

going home felt actually nice, I would be lying if I told you I didn't replay everything that happened, I've thought of like 100 things I could've said or not said.

It all seems fake, like it didn't happen. but I feel good, actually okay. a soft smile is on my lips, my finger folds a page I'm up to resting the book by my side.

when i notice eyes on me, confused I turn seeing a teenage girl staring me down.

i think nothing of it, but the stare doesn't leave me and I grow uncomfortable.

until she moves next to me.
"oh-Um hi."
i mumble awkwardly.
"you're that girl."
she says timidly.
"sorry?"
i ask, this whole interaction is really getting on my nerves.

her hair is down and she's actually very pretty.
"dating Timothèe- Holy shit, I saw you before and I wasn't too sure but it is you-"
my eyes widen as I turn.
"I beg your pardon I am not dating that-that asshole, I'd rather- you know what nevermind point is I'm not dating him- why-how'd you even- I'm so confused."
I say.

"if you're not dating him what's this?"
she asks digging in her pockets she pulls out a small phone, putting her password in she turns her phone to me.

"May I?"
She nods and I take it out of her hands plopping just glasses back on.

"actor Timothèe chalamet spotted talking, or arguing with girlfriend, new romance, we're all excited to see how this goes!"

my eyes sweat if that's possible as they scan across the small screen.
"and scroll."
The girl advises.
I scroll in shock seeing me plasted across the screen looking terrible out of my mind, hands on my head anger on my face as I scream at him.

oh christ, or Jesus fucking Christ.

my heart starts to pump faster then usual.
"are you alright?"
she asks I hand her phone back.
"I'll be back-"
I gag our running off the train into the toilets on the train, I shut the door hunching over and spewing.

tears fall from my eyes as I empty my system, feeling my hair pulled back I see the girl, too overwhelmed to be embarrassed I look back into the toilet at my own sick.

i whimper and start crying.
"come on, I'm sure it won't last long, this has happened before with him."
She assure me.

"Come on get your head out of the toilet."
She said, she pats my back and my wobbly legs help me stand, I flush the toilet, turning to the mirror.

Gosh, the person staring back at me is a totally different person.

i always use to have moments as a younger girl, when I'd look I'd get scared, who was that? Why was i me? But now I know that's me, and I'm genuinely disgusted.

i clean up and eventually walk back out, the girl is waiting for me.
"oh you didn't have too-"
"nonsense."
She mumbles handing me a bottle of water.
"what's your name?"
I ask.
"well it's Patricia, I know old fashioned, but you can call me pattie."
she says.
"well, my name is may. thank you again, I'm sorry for all of-well this."
I say gesturing to myself.
"no it's really fine."
the girl who is pattie sits with me, we chat.

i find out shes 15.
"so have you come back from school?"
i ask, finishing off the remainder of my water.
"well, sort of, I don't actually go to school."
She said.
"But you're in-"
"School uniform I know, I catch the train to school hop off walk around, get back on the train, my parents couldn't care less."
she says.

i feel for her knowing I did the exact same thing.
"you're parents home?"
I ask.
"Not at the moment no, I don't even know they left, they casually leave and come back when they want. But I'm use to it."
she said.
"This may sound crazy, and I know I'm a stranger, but I'm having ramen tonight, and you're welcome to stay at mine my roommates in Italy for the holidays. You can stay in her room."
I offer.
She smiles brightly.
"Really- no, it's fine, I couldn't do that."