heart shaped box

twenty

2011

The sun was setting, I was watching it from my small window, turning my view I could see little kids all dressed up one hand holding a bag and the other holding their parent's hands, all dressed in terrible costumes the parents probably made to share over Facebook.

that's right it was halloween, I rolled my eyes, I'd never gone out on halloween so I lay back digging my hand into my chip packet, binging on whatever I can find, to be honest I wasn't having the best day.

School was terrible as usual, I sat under my willow tree all of lunch, and sat by myself all through class.

but it's fine, that's how I liked it. I hadn't seen my parents in a week they left without telling me where they were going.

which is expected from them, I'm use to it.

what was not expected was the slam of the door, speak of the devils.
"may!"
my head snapped to the side, my mothers voice rang throughout the house.

i stayed put, but then a bang at my door startled me.
"I'm naked!"
i shouted pushing the chips under my pillow running to my mirror pulling my shirt down further hiding the fact I'm not wearing pants only some random bud shirt I got from the CD shop.

i fixed my hair and licked my thumbs removing my black eyeliner I knew I'd have a mouth full about from my mother.

i walked to the door, opening it.
my mother, she didn't give me any warm feelings mothers should give, instead my heart is pounding, what does she want? What did I do?

she inspects me her eyes rake up my small frame, I shut my eyes feeling the judgment radiate off her.

shit.
"what the hell is this?"
she asked picking at my huge sleeves that hang on this black shirt.
"oh, uh it's just a shirt I picked up from a shop-"
"well it looks terrible, and it doesn't hide the fact that you're eating chips and junk food."
she said opening the door a little seeing some spilled chips on my bed.

her words cut through me, I gulp I won't look affected by her words, she gawked.
"and you're eyes! Looks like you haven't slept in a week!"
she slurred.

she's drunk.
"what do you want? Because if you came here just to criticise me, you can leave, oh right you leave all the time, just like you did a week ago!"
i say, my head hurts.

why would you say that? I never speak back, I take her words.
"what did you say?"
she asked.

i backed up and she followed me.
"Daughters should not talk to their mothers like that!"
she said.

she held her arm up and I flinched holding my arm up.
"look at you, I would never hit you stupid girl, but look at yourself. You talk to me like you're so tough, but really you're just an insecure weak pathetic girl! don't talk to me like that! and clean your face you look like a whore!"
she yelled.

i stayed with my arm guarding my face trembling under her taller frame.

i shut my eyes waiting to here the door slam, when it did I sank into the floor.

holding myself tight in my arms.
"don't cry, don't cry, don't cry."
i whispered over and over.

i curled up in the corner of my room watching the white walls for what seemed to be hours, my mind was replaying what just happened over and over until it was dark in my room.