The Elevator

Human Vs Wolf

Jacob stood amidst the empty pack hall with a saddened look on his face. Although I hadn't had a family for years, the remaining members had all been ripped apart. My father would spend at least a year in the pack prison, while both my mother and sister would be taken to the Elder council's prison for the foreseeable future. Although I didn't make the decision and my family are responsible for the actions they took, I couldn't help the guilt that filled my heart. 

This pack was not what it once was and although my wolf feels responsible for it's members and her territory I can't help but not care. I spent my teenage years being selfless and letting my sister steal credit for what for what I had contributed but for the first time I wanted to be selfish. I felt my wolf's pain but for the life of me I just can't bring myself to forgive Jacob or my wolf. 

I gulped as I looked at the man in front of me, my mouth opening and closing. I had no idea what to say to the man. He was a stranger, I knew nothing about him and he knew nothing about me. The only connection we had was our wolves. If we had spent the last eight years together, maybe we would have grown together, changed each other the way mates were meant to. However that wasn't the case, I wasn't the same girl I was eight years ago and with all the pain that Jacob had experienced I don't think he was the same person either. 

"Look." I stuttered out. "I need to go and be on my own for a while. I need to think away from you." I turned away and started a light jog. Jacob was shouting my name but for the life of me I couldn't help but increase my speed and move away from him. I didn't have answers for him at the moment. 

My feet kept hammering across the forest floor. I had no idea where my legs were taking me but all I wanted to do was get away from him and his wolf. I wanted to run away from his enticing scent that makes me feel suffocated. I knew being close to him would only lead to my wolf borrowing his strength while she tried to manipulate me into forgiving Jacob. The tears were blurring my eyes and it wasn't before long that I was deep in the leafless trees in the dying forest. 

I placed my hands on my thighs as I hunched over gasping for air after my long run. I didn't take the time to look where I was so I just threw my bottom onto the dried out ground and pushed my back against the tree bark. The sky was getting darker, the colours of the evening streaked through the sky while the towering shadows from the tree's hid me away from plain sight. 

The silence of the night was peaceful, the chirping of crickets was quietening down. All I could do is watch as the sun set and the moon rose in the sky. My wolf was quiet and the headache that she caused was no longer present. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in, feeling the light breeze caress my skin. 

"Are you there?" I asked my wolf. 

"I have always been there." My wolf replied. 

I shook my head at her response. Her words were nothing but lies, she left me on my own. Her explanations were nothing but excuses. She was feeling sorry for herself, she could have shared her pain and her burden for it wasn't just hers to carry. All she had to do was give me a sign she was still there, for all these years I thought she had died and I was on my own.

"It didn't feel like it. I felt empty. I had lost my family and my mate just like you. I tried to talk to you over the years and not once did you tell me you were there. Not once did you comfort me. I remember the early days when I tried to comfort you, even if you said nothing." I shook my head.  "I know you can hear my thoughts but what you need to know is that the pain caused by my family and mate was nothing to the pain and abandonment that you gave me." I explained. 

She didn't say anything, my mind was once again silent. All I could do was tap into my emotions and let her feel what I had been holding back. I closed my eyes and remembered the panic I felt when she ignored me after the rejection, I then let her feel the worry and concern I had for when a few months had passed and she didn't speak. Then I let her feel my pain and the abandonment during the years that I tried to bring her forth in my mind only for me to be met with silence. Finally I let her feel the betrayal when she decided to make her appearance after eight years when my path had crossed with the mate who did not deserve us. 

"STOP." She frantically shouts. 

"Truth hurts doesn't it? You talk about your struggle, you let me feel what you felt in the years that we were betrayed by our mate and family. I was feeling that too but what I felt from you disappearing was a hell of a lot worse." I sneer at her. 

I feel her heart beat thump at my words and I feel her regret slip through our bond that she tried to regenerate. For she was starting to understand that the bond with my mate wasn't the only thing that shattered, our relationship had deteriorated because of her choices. Everything I felt was the opposite of what she felt. 

Where she felt a strong connection to the pack, I felt nothing but pity, shame and disgust for the members who had outcasted me. Where she longed for her mate, I felt contempt and hate for the bond that the Moon Goddess had bestowed on me. Where she could forgive but not forget, I wanted to forget them all and never forgive them. We were at opposite ends of the spectrum. Our relationship was nothing but fragmented due to the decisions that we had both made. 

As I let my thoughts filter through my mind and through the jaded and broken bond with my wolf, I could see that she was understanding my perspective. There was nothing that she could say that could change the past. There had been a lot of damage and for me I could see no way of mending it. 

Again my chest filled with an inexplicable sense of guilt. For I knew what would happen if I didn't accept the bond I shared with her. I knew what would happen if I didn't accept Jacob's mark and mate him. I knew that the price was high but it wasn't something that I would miss, for I hadn't been a wolf in the last eight years. I was used to being human. 

Many people would see that being a wolf is a blessing but for those of us who are unlucky with our mate, it truly is a curse. Even though my wolf wasn't present, I had remained pure. I had never engaged in a meaningful relationship for I respected our ways even if she had disappeared. Being completely human was something that appealed to me on a basic level. Having the opportunity to have choice in who you love without guilt was something that excited me. 

My wolf didn't seem to understand the mistakes that Jacob had made were not something that I could forgive. He had a relationship not only with my sister, but my twin. I would constantly wonder whether it was her that he would remember as he kissed me, I would always question his touch and imagine whether he touched my sister in the same way considering he chose her over us. My wolf growled at my thoughts, while I simply smirked, satisfied at the pain and jealousy she was feeling. 

"Do you understand why? Do you see what you are asking of me? How difficult it would be for me to trust him? You may love his wolf and to a certain point, I love his wolf too. However his host is not worthy of you, he is not worthy of us!" I exclaim desperately. 

My wolf's defeat was lingering in my mind, she could see the complications that she wanted to ignore. She was starting to understand how difficult it would be for me to live happily with our mate. She sighed out in defeat, requesting something of me that she hoped I would give. 

"Can we please spend some time with mate? Can you please try for my sake? I don't have much time and I will accept your decision if you let me spend time with mate. If you can't accept him after that I promise to respect your decision." She whispers. 

With those words, I grant my wolf her dying wish, laying out the boundaries that she had to comply with.