the gift ⌯ am

hurting

60+ VOTES FOR THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THIS STORY

|madison|

     I lean against the glass, looking int o see Austin's body entangled in that horrid machine. I just stand here and blame myself for this. This is all my fault because if I never came into his life he’d be okay right now. And it hurts so much knowing that this is my fault. Everyone is hurting, and I can’t make this all about me. This isn’t even about me. I have no right to make this about me.

     This is about Michele, Alex, Zach, and Robert. I’ve barely been apart of Austin’s life, proving that me being in it caused this. I couldn’t stay here in this hospital, knowing it was all my fault.

     I was let out a few days ago and was able to see Austin. But I don’t have the balls to go inside and hold his hand. I feel like if I do hold it I’ll never let go.

     My mom left, and Michele says I can still stay with her after hurting her son so badly. I hate myself because she’s so nice. Too nice for her own good. This is my fault. It’s all my fault and there’s no way it wasn’t. 

     I can feel the burning from my eyes because I’m crying silently to myself as Sabrina sits in the chair next to Austin. She holds the hand I was holding the night of the accident. I really fucking miss that hand too.

     This accident has got me acting different and I had to get out of here. I had to get far away from them and him. Austin would wake up. I know he would and when he did I’d be gone. I’d be out of his life.

I couldn’t keep hurting him and the people close to him.

     The doctors say he’s getting better, but it could turn around. Michele seems a lot happier with those words, while I know the doctor wouldn’t be saying that if it wasn’t for me.

     Sabrina looks over at me, and I duck my head so she doesn’t worry about me crying. When I look back over she’s looking back at Austin and talking. I can hear her too, but I doubt she thinks so.

     “I can tell Madison blames herself for this, and I can’t wait for you to wake up and tell her it wasn’t her fault. She’s really sad without you… Remember when I said she’d do anything for you because she loves you? Well, she’d trade places with you if she could. I can see it in her eyes. She needs you,” Sabrina lets out to Austin, but he can’t hear her.

He couldn’t hear her, right? I doubt it. He was out. He was out old all because of me. 

     I miss Austin. I miss his smell. I miss the way he holds my hand. I miss his laugh. I miss the way his eyes twinkle when he watches his mom. I miss his smile, I miss the way he looks at me. I miss everything about him.

     People like Austin can easily make a difference in your life. There is no way to stop it from happening. They just take a part of you and fill it with themselves. I couldn’t ever forget Austin which made me leaving even harder.

     I just want to protect Austin and being with him just put him in danger. Sabrina could continue to live with Michele and grow up there, but I am going to leave. As soon as he wakes up and I make sure he is okay then I am leaving. I won’t come back, and I’ll write him a letter. Maybe send him a post card. I don’t know what I’ll do.

     I pull out my note book I picked up from home and I wrote to him. I wrote down on my feelings onto this tiny piece of paper and I’ll leave it for him. He’ll read it and he’ll have to understand I’m doing this for his sake.

Dear Austin,

I know writing this letter is a shitty way to say goodbye, but the farther away I am the safer you are. After this, you’ll never hear from me again. I can tell by the way your mom looks at me that she’s disappointed in me for coming here. I caused all of this and I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could’ve done something to protect you and I know if you never knew me you wouldn’t be here. Everything went to shit when I arrived and I don’t want to continue that any more. I’m going to miss everything about you, but one day I’ll learn to live with my choice of leaving. I’d learn to cope with the thought of missing you because I love you. And just that alone scares me. I love you and you got into this accident because I love you. This is my fault and you can’t say it wasn’t. I’m so sorry. I’m so very sorry and I wish I had the guts to tell you in person and see you look at me one more time, but I can’t. I can’t hurt you anymore.

Sincerely,

Madison

     I look away for one second to write and I then hear Sabrina, “He’s awake! Madison!” She’s crying now and Michele is running in with the boys following pursuit. Not me. I ran. I ran out of that hospital because I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t face him. I drop the note by his door and that was the last you’d hear from me.

I had to leave so I could stop hurting him.