TMNT: Suicidal Karai

I Hate Myself

Karai nervously walked in the lair as the turtles ran to the dojo to check on Donnie. What a night this has been. Donnie almost got blown up because of her. She should have known better than to include Leo in her plans to blow up Shredder's organization, she should've known eventually his brothers would find out and try to stop him.

Well...Karai got her karma. She almost blew herself up, but she was lucky enough to not get as injured as Donnie. Still, not wanting her father to see her all bloodied and bruised, she decided she would go to the bathroom to clean herself up.

She went into her bedroom that her father had prepared for her for when she came over to stay and grabbed a few clothes she kept here just in case she would need them. She went to the bathroom and took a quick shower, washing away all the soot, blood, and even her makeup.

Once Karai was done, she put on a white tank-top, an oversized red zipped up hoodie, and dark blue knee covered baggy shorts. Karai looked at her reflection and she gasped. A bit of her burn was still on her neck. She's sure if she sheds again, it will go away but that won't be until another month when she will be able to do it again.

She stared at herself for a while, mentally saying that she hated herself. That burn she got on the side of her face proves that she's more like Shredder than she thought. She almost killed Donnie again today, again. It wasn't on purpose, but Karai knew it was 100% her fault. She suddenly felt the need to cut again, to get rid of the guilt but she shook it off, trying to ignore it. Not wanting her father to see her burn, she lifted up her hood and headed to the dojo.

She knows Raph said that Donnie was fine, but she won't be able to sleep tonight until she sees for herself. She walked in and smiled when she saw Donnie laughing with the rest of his brothers, but she frowned when April gave her a look.

Karai then felt anger. She understands that April is mad at her because she secretly loves Donnie, but does she really have to make Karai feel even more guilty than she already is. Karai knows April can feel how other people feel so she knows that she is doing it on purpose. She gets that she almost got him killed today and she's sorry, but April has almost gotten the turtles killed plenty of times because of her reckless stupidity. By fighting and getting into situations she clearly wasn't ready for. Yeah, Leo told her about all the times he and his brothers had to save April because she was too cocky.

Karai slightly glared at her but looked away as Splinter was walking towards her, not wanting to see that look again. Karai knows there is nothing she can do to make up for what she did, but she had to at least say something. "I'm sorry, Father." She said before finally looking at him. "I'm glad Donatello's alright."

Sorry. She has been saying that a lot. She has been saying that since she found out the truth. She has said it so much that she doubts they even believe she's sorry anymore but what else could she say? Excuses definitely wouldn't suffice. She almost blew up his son! There is no kind of excuse that can justify that!

In stead of shouting at her, like she had expected, Splinter only stayed calm. 'Why?! Why can't he ever just get mad at me?!' She knows that he's mad at her, but he refused to show it. Why? It was so irritating that she couldn't read her own father at all!

"Now you see the kind of pain and suffering revenge causes."

Karai glanced at Donnie and knew he was right. Donnie had almost lost his life because of her vendetta, the turtles almost lost a brother, and Splinter almost lost a son...all because of her.

She turned away. "I know. I thought I could make this about taking down Shredder's organization...but it's too much of a risk going after petty targets just to spite him."

Splinter's shoulders seemed to relax upon hearing this and he was honestly, a bit surprised. Maybe Karai had finally learned her lesson.

"I promise, I will no longer go after Shredder's possessions....I'll go after Shredder himself!"

NOPE! Her eyes suddenly turned cold, her hatred and anger still not yet tamed. She stomped off. Splinter turned to his sons. "You boys watch over Donatello!" He said before running after his daughter "Miwa!!"

Karai stopped and looked at him. Splinter gave her a stern look. "Miwa, this is getting out of hand! This needs to stop! You need to find a way to control your hatred and soon before you get yourself and your family hurt!!"

"Father, I'll be fine. I've been through worse. I've told you that I've grown up, I can take care of myself."

"You are not fine! You are putting yourself in danger!" Splinter argued. "You purposely almost blew yourself up!" Karai's eyes widened and Splinter crossed his arms. "Yes, Leonardo told me about it before you came in."

Karai glared at the floor and Splinter sighed. "Miwa...for once, think before you act! Today's events almost cost your life as well as Donatello's!"

Karai couldn't take it anymore. The guilt, the anger, the sadness, the hatred, it was too much to hold in all at once so...she exploded. "YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW THAT?!!!" She roared. "I know I messed up today and I said I was sorry but you know what? At least I'm out there doing something and not hiding underground like a coward like you! He killed my mother, your wife, and you could care less! Ninjas go out and fight, not hide underground! You are a disgrace to ninjas everywhere!"

Karai panted when she finished her outburst. Splinter stared at her in complete frozen shock until his eyes hardened. He gave Karai a different kind of look, he has never given her before. His eyes were clod as he got closer to her, staring her down.

"I am not a coward Miwa, but I am your father and you will show me respect." He said in a low angry voice. Instead of being quiet, Karai spoke up. "You have never done anything to earn my respect!"

Karai could not believe she said that. What was she thinking?! She wasn't thinking! It just came out of her mouth without her control! Splinter glared harder at her and Karai almost flinch at his glare. "Oh, really? How about saving you from the brain-worm! How about supporting you in your choices! How about I'm the reason you're living and standing here right now?!"

Karai's eyes turned slightly glassy. She has never been scolded so harshly by Splinter before and she didn't know how to take it. All she thought about was Shredder and the punishments he would put her through after he scolded her harshly.

Splinter pointed a finger on Karai's chest. "Now, get out of my sight and don't come back until you learn some respect." He said in a low growl before leaving.

Karai then ran out of the lair with tears pouring from her eyes.

...

In Karai's bedroom,

Karai ran in and slammed the door shut behind her. Why did she act like that?! Why did she say that?! Karai was usually a master at controlling her emotions but lately she has been finding that difficult.

She saw the knife she had used on herself a few weeks ago and picked it up. 'This is punishment, you deserve this.'

Making Leo work for her, getting Donnie hurt, and disrespecting her father. That's three cuts.

*Cut* *Cut* *Cut*

Karai cried and smiled a bit at the same time. Loving how all the guilt, anger, and sadness seemed to go away at that moment. But it soon came back...it always comes back, and it always will. She cried harder and rocked back and forth. "Why am I like this? I hate myself! I only hurt everyone!"

She kept on crying until she cried herself to sleep.