𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐟𝐭 | carlisle cullen (2)

(𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧) liars and liars and liars

✧✧✧

ESTE LIKED SPENDING HER TIME DISTRACTING HER MIND. This didn't often help, she'd stray between reading or watching Tv to playing chess and taking a walk. These mundane activities were just life to her, nothing more complicated. Even teaching didn't seem to do the trick anymore.

She was very aware that it was getting worse. Whenever Este would speak some of this truth towards Carlisle he'd shut her down and say something calming that didn't even work anymore. It just tasted bitter to be interrupted and stepped over.

Carlisle had good intentions of course but Este didn't want to be told she was wrong. She didn't want to be shadowed in fear and to hear whispers above the surface of her drowning. Carlisle wasn't pulling her out, he just believed he was. Este wasn't sure how to tell him that she was terrified, really terrified. For once she wanted him to ditch his relentless optimism and find comfort in her pessimism. She wanted him to speak the truth and maybe then it wouldn't sound so horrible. Este doubted this was likely.

She went on with her life as usual which was at least something. Este was glad to not be ridden incapable of continuing on as normal. She liked to work, she liked to love, she liked to read and walk and smile and laugh. Her mind hadn't taken her life, it was just starting to control it.

Este liked routine. She'd remind herself that with everyday came new promise. She tried to throw herself into thinking about Bella even when this strained her mind to anxious breaking point. When teaching she tried not to think of the twinges inside her brain and what they were saying to her.

The voices inside her head were incomprehensible and this was why she hadn't said anything about them. Este couldn't make out what the whispers were saying although she felt as though they were telling her to do something. Este was yet to find out what, she wondered whether this would help at all.

Carlisle was her best source of removing weight from her mind. She knew that he was aware of this which was probably why he was so keen on spending as much time with her as he could. Este tried to pretend he wasn't missing days from work or drifting from his humane life simply to hold her in his arms but it snuck in at the worst possible moments.

Yet it didn't really matter to her in the end because when she had her head rested against Carlisle's chest and his voice in her ear she couldn't be happier. If only Este could remain beside him forever. Would Carlisle take a weight from her mind and carry it himself? Este knew he would without question but she also knew she would never allow him to. The idea of Carlisle suffering even the smallest amount for her sake was painful. Yet Este knew he was hurt already simply by seeing her pain. There was nothing she could do to reverse that damage.

She had been lying over their shared bed with hands in the creases of sheets outlining spaces where he had lain. Este often wondered how polluted her mind was with dependancy. She never really cared about it anymore.

Carlisle was pacing around reading books as he always did, speaking facts to Este as though they meant anything to her. She looked up through her wondering doe eyes, curled elegantly over the once neatly made bed. She could feel him, if she closed her eyes she could touch him. Her mind yearned in silence for brief moments.

"Someone's coming" Carlisle stated as he paced back into the bedroom, dropping a very heavy book on the bed next to Este as he went, it ruined the patterns of the duvet.

"Who?" Este asked casually as she rolled onto her back and looked across at him.

"Motorbike" Carlisle stated, Este couldn't hear it. She tried really hard, screwing up her face in concentration as she tried to hear what he had. Even now her senses were depleted.