FORMULA LOVE

Reminiscing

It's been 8 days since my brother died. And eight days since anyone's been happy. Word about my brother got around quick thanks to Leclerc's ex, I was sent thousands of messages on any social media you could think of that contained the same four letter words:

"Sorry for your loss."

Whilst I was glad they gave their condolences I was pissed off. I didn't want people to pity or have sympathy for me, it just makes me even more miserable.

I reluctantly roll out of bed and gaze at the alarm clock on my night stand, it was the 17th of October at 6:04am. The day of Mattie's funeral.

I haven't been able to sleep well this past week. Every time I'm going to sleep my mind thinks of Mattie. I dream of him and how I never said goodbye - I wake up crying.

Once I'm out of bed I travel down the hallway past my brothers' and my parents room until I meet the balcony at the very back of the house. I slide the white door open which brings me to the balcony. Seeing as the whole house is white it makes sense that railings would be too.

I walk over to them, they was only a few inches away. I then lean over them looking off into the other gardens of fields in the distance. Our garden for one was very small, mum and Mattie loved planting flowers so that took up the most room. The very left of the garden was a goal for Jamie to practice football in.

I peer over out neighbours garden. One had baby toys splayed everywhere with a trampoline in the middle. I then look further down to find red roses, their length as long as the fence. And in the middle was a huge water fountain.

It contrasted my brothers so perfectly. Jamie was the garden with toys everywhere, messy and carefree. And Mattie had the other garden, neat and organised.

My brothers were polar opposites. And now ones dead.

I find a chair on the balcony and go to sit on it staring at the dark in front of me. It wasn't all dark I could make out outlines of objects with the help of the sunrise in the distance. It was a light orange colour with a hint of warmth to it. I smiled brightly at it and felt as though it was doing the same back.

I always heard that u can see or feel your lost loved one in sunrises and sunsets. And now I'm starting to think that's true.

"Hey Matt. I miss you." I whisper off into the distance.

I then fixed my stare peacefully at the sunrise, just admiring the colours for quite some time before someone intrudes my peacefulness.

"Sayd. What are you doing it's 7:08am?" Leclerc asks as he takes a seat next to me.

Wow have I actually been here for an hour already?

"Couldn't sleep." I murmur not bothering to turn to him. I couldn't and didn't want to take my eyes off of the orange view before me.

Charles' hand then grabs mine that we're resting on my lap below me. His thumb strokes my hand softly and reassuringly.

You know 7 years ago today I lost my best friend." He starts, easily grabbing my attention as I whip my head around to him. "His name was Jules Bianchi."

As soon as that name was said to me I instantly knew what he was talking about.

Jules Bianchi was a French driver who drove for Marussia F1 team in the F1 world championship. He died in a race when he crashed into a crane trying to remove another car. He had severe brain damage and never regained consciousness and 9 months later he was pronounced dead, he was 25 years old.

My heart instantly shattered. I squeezed his hand tighter.

"I heard about that Charles. I was 17 years old. You was only 18."

"Yeah I was so young. He was my eldest brother's best friend and my godfather. Losing him was like losing an actual father." He says as his voice broke, tears started to spill from his eyes and I moved my chair closer to his.

"I'm so sorry." I wipe away his tears and stand up. His head rests on the left side of my hips and his hands wrap around my torso. My hands glide around his head, gently ruffling his dark hair.

"You sound like all of ur fans." Leclerc reminds me letting out a small laugh, which I even found funny.

I lightly stamp on his bare feet and he jokingly pushes me away from him, pretending to be in serious pain. All before rushing up to me and hugging me tight. My head finds a comfortable place in his neck whilst he holds my head keeping one hand on the small of my back.

"We'll get through today together Sadie." He states still holding me. I give him a squeeze of acceptance.

It's not for another 2 hours before we make our way out of the balcony, get changed and down stairs to greet everyone.

Mattie would have never wanted everyone to wear all black. He would call that absurd. All through his life he'd tell anyone and everyone that his favourite colour is yellow. And this was his day so we all tried our best to wear all yellow.

My yellow heels clacked against the marble flooring in the kitchen as I made it up towards my family. "My gosh darling. You look so beautiful." My mother says with lots of emotion embedded in her voice as she holds my shoulders.

I decided to go for a floral patterned yellow dress. The flowers being 3D. This dress was remarkably expensive but remarkably beautiful and at this point...fuck it.

And to top it off a yellow fascinator. It one of them straw like hats, bright yellow with a gigantic bow facing the back.

My whole family stare at me in admiration.

"He'd be so proud of you. What your wearing, of course and certainly what you've become." My mum said smiling her pearly whites at me.