FORMULA LOVE

Bittersweet

"We're all gathered here today to remind ourselves of the sensational life of Mattie Thomas Brando." The funeral conductor starts. His voice is projected into the crowd in front of him.

My parents, Jamie and I are all sat in the front with my relatives placed behind. Most if not, all of my Mercedes team and a few fellow drivers were here too. The room was so crowded but felt so empty. There was no noise from anyone apart from the man standing before us speaking about my brother who probably even didn't know was born into this world.

"His life was taken from him at just 15 years of age after a long term battle with cancer. His family described him to me as the most extraordinary and inspiring boy in the world. I believe his mother wanted to come up to say a few words?"

My mum gulped loudly as all eyes were on her to make a speech about her son. Her hand met the wood railing in front of her as she attempted to get up. She stood there for a minute, staring at the floor. Her blonde hair covering her face. It was as though she was in a trance.

My dad swung his arm around her attempting to help lead her forward to the stage. But she didn't budge, her yellow heels embedded deeply into the floor. And soon after that I heard her murmur quietly "I can't do this." As she sat down quickly and started crying into my fathers chest. He gave me an emotional and awkward look.

If my mum wasn't going to speak who could?

Me that's who. And Jamie.

I grabbed Jay's hand tightly and stood up and met hundreds of puffy eyed faces. At first Jamie looked at me as if to go "what are you doing." But with another tug he managed to know what I wanted.

He complied and stood up, patting mum on the shoulder as we went past. Me and my little brother made our way up the steps to the platform where the man was waiting with a pitiful smile.

I gazed over at Mattie, he was in the coffin right next to me. My hand reached out to touch it and as soon as I did I felt him. I felt his soul, his presence which made me a lot more stronger and comfortable.

"My brother, Matt, he was lovely. He never complained over anything. He hated making things about himself so he'd bottle things up until he exploded." I start, stuttering a few times but I manage to pick up speed. My eyes flicked to everyone here. My friends were in the 4th row all staring up at me with small grins and tissues in hand. Then I glanced even further back to see a girl on the last row. Her head was covered with a hat and a nurse was sat with her holding her hand.

My mind managed to realise this is the girl that Matt met at the hospital. I think her name was Abigail I believe. I realised I had paused mid sentence and decided to carry on with my speech.

"I still remember when my parents brought these two home" I signal at Jamie and Mattie, "They wouldn't shut up for ages. They still don't now."

The crowd laughs along with me and I then turn to Jamie who's smile had crept across his face. I squeeze his hand twice and he does the same. "Matt's nearly 16 year existence was amazing, I can speak on his behalf. Although I won't see him graduate school, get his first job, house,car, get married and have a family - I know his existence was not for nothing. And I had the honour of being able to call him my brother."

My voice breaks at that last sentence so Jamie comes closer and puts his arms around me so I could lean into him. As I wipe my tears from my face Jamie then starts to talk to the crowd in-front us, "Now that it's just the 4 of us it'll be a lot different. There won't be a fight for who has to sit in the middle seat, or which of us can use the bathroom. Or even whose turn it is to play the Xbox. But I'll always miss those things, I already am now."