hold me ♡ minsung

34. hot chocolate feelings talk

♡

JANUARY 31

   Jisung had left Minho alone in the cold, red-faced, and teary-eyed.

    But it was only for a moment, because after they quietly walked all the way back to where they started from, by the front of the dormitory building, he ran inside to get them both some hot chocolate to warm up with.

   Since he was intensely embarrassed about his tear-stained face, Minho waited for him outside, trying not to think of anything as he pressed his chin pitifully to his knees, because that would just make this a thousand times worse. He was just barely managing to keep a lid on the flood of vile, self-loathing, over-critical thoughts that always plagued him, and he felt that if he moved even the slightest bit, the lid would fall off, and he'd be done for. Another thing he didn't want to think of was what would happen to him if the lid fell off and he suffered the physical effects of whatever panic-inducing things his mind had to offer at that moment, because if it really got bad, he might end up writhing and shaking and pulling out his hair. Considering what a huge thing he'd just done, if he really let it get to him like he usually would, that was a fairly likely outcome, and he absolutely did not want Jisung— or anyone that happened to walk out into the makings of a snowstorm at about 10 PM— seeing that.

   This was what he had chosen. Whether he regretted that or not in the end, at this point, it didn't much matter.

    Okay, well... he knew that he did already regret letting Jisung hug him, no matter how much he unfortunately liked it (or needed it), because that would only reinforce a wrong assumption that Minho now wanted Jisung all over him, hugging him and cuddling him and touching him whenever, and wherever, like the rest of the guys in the friend group. That wasn't right at all.

    He still hated it. He just liked it, too.

    Jisung's hug was still uncomfortable, but... it was also the most comfortable thing Minho ever felt. That was endlessly confusing and extremely frustrating, but all in all, with how his body had been acting lately, not surprising.

   Sooner than he would've liked, because he still felt a lump at the back of his throat that he hadn't been able to swallow down yet, Jisung returned and placed a paper cup of hot chocolate in his cold hands. Minho made extra sure their fingers didn't brush up against each other at all, because he wasn't sure he could handle it right now. 

   Sitting on a wooden bench, watching the snow coat the ground, gulping down steaming hot chocolate, they each wondered if they should just leave it there for the talking that night.

    "So..." Jisung started, and Minho braced himself for whatever was coming. "Are we gonna talk? You seem tired, so we can pick it up later, if you want a break." 

    Of course, Minho did want to stop talking. But he didn't know if he'd be able to start again later if he stopped now, and then there'd be no answers, and then there'd be no change... He decided it'd be best to just get it over with, whether his throat hurt and his ears ached and felt like they would bleed from hearing his own voice or not. 

    Besides, he had a burning question lodged in his mouth that he wanted to get out. He always wondered, but never would've asked before, because it was extremely awkward.

   "I have a question," Minho mumbled. "...What does it feel like? When... you guys..." Minho trailed off. What word could he use?

   The words 'snuggle' and 'cuddle', although very fitting, were completely out of the question (those were words that never left Minho's mouth, and they were never in his mouth to begin with because he had no intention of saying them), and he would have said 'touch' if only that word didn't sound so gross and suggestive when he was just referring to the affectionate pats and caresses they would give each other and the ways they would lean into each other and wrap arms around each other...