Blood Lily Company - Afghanistan - Year 2

XXI

I went to Lin to report and I didn't mention Erk's sorrow, since he'd done it. But I had trouble matching the Viking that had gone to save Cassandra and hadn't batted an eye when we gave mercy to the guys he injured, and the gentle giant, the teddybear, that cried in Kris' arms because we killed guys who wanted us dead and deader. I had to ask him. Or rather, I'd ask the one who knew him from birth.

- Lin?

- What is it, Tugdual?

She looked tired.

- Is that a bad moment?

- Not really. I'm worried about Erik. And about Kris, as a consequence.

- Because of his tears? And what they hide?

- Yes. You wanted to know why?

- That, and why he's crying now and not in Kaymani.

- He's more fragile since... Oh fuck. Everything goes back to Chechnya.

- The torture, the attack on his sexuality?

- That. But there is more. Something deeper. But I have no idea what that can be. Nevertheless, for today, I think Healing exhaustion is why he cried. Without it, he would have balled his fists and ignored all of it. Oh, he would have been grumpy, harsh, but he would quickly have turned back to this most adorable and softest mountain of muscles that we all like.

She was silent for a moment.

- Did you see something else, Tugdual?

- Only Kris' usual tenderness towards him. Or, his love, rather.

She sighed. Oh, how I understood her. That thing was going to blow up in our faces. But how can you prevent someone from loving a person, even if that person is... blind? Or indifferent? Although I don't think Erk is indifferent. Nor really blind. Maybe just incapable of understanding...

A shiver shook me. I was suddenly a little cold.

- Lin, I'm a bit lost. What day are we?

- October 31st.

- Already? But... Fuck, we lose time so easily...

- That's mainly because you don't have your nose in paperwork and red tape or, like Fatso, delivery notes and all that shit...

- True. Will you help Vlad with his dead?

- It will depend on him. I called Simo. He's pissed but will send us a copter as soon as we tell him his people can be moved. I'd like you to go and talk to Elise. She blames herself because she was here, injured, and not piloting the bird that could have saved her comrades, and all that crap...

- OK, I'll do that.

- Tugdual?

- Yes Lin?

- I won't be jealous if she needs tenderness.

I was surprised. Not by her jealousy, or absence thereof. Because I got it that I couldn't be jealous and neither would she. She was asking me to accept that she might want to see elsewhere and was telling me she would do the same.

No, what surprised me was that she almost threw me in Elise's arms. I know that between soldiers, sometimes, comfort comes through sex. Not love, no, just sex. Just a purely physical relief. The surge of dopamine during orgasm sometimes helps put some distance.

But maybe Elise's guilt would bar her from that. Well, anyway, no sense in making plans on the comet. I went to seek Elise.

She was barely keeping boredom at arm's length, peeling potatoes for lunch, but alone, the cooks being busy in the kitchen. I fetched a peeler, sat down next to her and helped her peel tatters. And I waited.