Death Where is Your Sting? - B. Barnes

Chapter 5

Thump. "No...don't touch me!"

Bucky shot upright in the couch. What the hell?

"Please..."

Bucky ran to the bedroom and flung open the door. He wasn't being quiet - he needed to wake her up. "Raven? Ray! Wake up! You're having a -"

"AAAAH!" Her scream morphed into sobs, as Bucky approached. She'd landed on the floor at some point, still entrapped in the sheets keeping her from freely defending herself against whatever threat loomed in her mind. He moved slowly, knowing how unpredictable he was at the worst of his nightmares and he wasn't sure how her abilities may act unconsciously.

"Raven...it's okay." He dodged a kick near his head but she caught his stomach and he fell back with an ooph. He lurched forward again, reaching for her. "It's not real. Not anymore." He reached out and took hold of the blankets wrapped around her. "Raven!" He shouted, hoping to jolt her as he yanked hard on the blankets, pulling her quickly across the floor, her body rolling as the blankets came undone.

She sucked in a quick breath as her eyes snapped open, followed by ragged, labored breaths as she quickly grasped her right side and curled into herself.

He could see she was lost, still floating between reality and memory. "Raven."

Her eyes snapped over to Bucky in panic. "Soldat." She stared at him in fear...and pain.

"No, Raven. It's Bucky. It's okay-"

Her eyes drifted from him, getting lost in the memory of the nightmare. "No - oh God. What- they were-You-how-?"

"You're not there anymore, Rav-"

"No. No. I can't- " Gasping, she struggled desperately to get to her feet, turning from Bucky. He reached out for her, to stop her, help her, anything. His fingers grazed her waist and she flinched away. "Don't touch me!"

"Raven."

"Stop! Just stop- " She pushed away from him, lurching toward the bathroom as the room spun around her, pushing the door hard in a desperate attempt to shut it, to escape, as she crashed to the floor, grasping the rim of the toilet as all of her fear and pain and confusion rushed out of her stomach and into the porcelain bowl below her.

Bucky clambered up to follow, but slowed his steps as the sounds of her suffering wafted through the door. He pushed the bathroom door open slowly, not wanting to panic her further, and pulled her hair back gently, careful not to touch her skin. "You're safe, Raven-."

"Please stop-" her words caught in her throat as what was left of her stomach contents forced their way up, choking her "-stop calling me that."

"Ra-"

"Just stop!" She yelled. "I can't think! I can't... After - they - I just..." She let out a ragged breath, her voice shaking and full of so many emotions he couldn't grasp. She sounded so defeated.

Bucky dropped his gaze. Of course. He remembered how odd it had felt being called Bucky after Steve found him. And here he was, trying to shove that identity on her in the midst of her turmoil. But as much as it had confused and frustrated him at times, it helped to ground him after a nightmare, remind him where he was. He was never Bucky with Hydra. And then there was the fact that "-I don't know what else to call you."

She sat back, eyes closed, clutching her side for dear life, trying to hold back the pain - physical and mental. Her body was shaking, and she couldn't draw a deep breath through the pain, her heart pounding, lungs desperate for air. The short, shallow breaths she had to take did nothing to ease the tightness of the panic in her chest trying to devour her. If she could just breathe, then maybe she could think. Her mind was racing, trying to process everything she'd just relived. It was a memory, she knew that. But it was different from the rest, it wasn't about her victims. She wasn't numb - she was always numb around the guards, even in her dreams. Like she didn't remember how to feel. But this was - It was so, so real. She could feel it, when they - she gulped. Think about something else, anything else. "Did I hurt you?"

Bucky could've drowned in the ocean of pain he heard in those words, her face pinched in fear, but he responded quickly as to leave no room for doubt. "No." He spoke confidently, trying to eliminate that concern "No, you didn't."

She nodded, finally opening her eyes and studying the tile floor. "Okay."

Bucky didn't move. The two sat in silence, so close in the small bathroom but feeling miles apart. "I get them too... The nightmares - well, the memories."

"How much do you remember?"

"All of it."

"And before? Before you were -" She paused, knowing how painful it was to hear the name they'd given her. She didn't want to do that to Bucky. "-him?"

"It took a while but it all came back, yeah. Steve helped a lot."

She risked a glance at him. "Steve?"

"Steve Rogers. Captain America." Her brow furrowed in confusion, and she began to open her mouth to speak but Bucky knew what she was going to say. "The original one. Steve passed the mantle on to Sam." Her mouth formed an ah. "He was my best friend growing up. He found me - eventually - pulled me out of Hydra, helped me get them out of my head, remember who I was before."

"It must have been nice, having someone who could tell you who you were."

"I fought him for a long time. I didn't think I was that guy anymore. I wasn't that guy anymore. But yeah, eventually, I let him help and it was nice to have some of that back." There was another long silence and Bucky had to ask. "Do you want to talk about it? Sometimes it helps -"

"I'm tired." She cut him off, having no desire to put words to the memories still haunting her, taunting her.

Bucky nodded. "Let's get you back to bed, then." He reached for her and she flinched back. "I'm not gonna hurt you."

"I - I know. I just - I can't. It's - too much. Just let me-" She turned, reaching with her left hand to grab the counter. Her legs were shaking as she pulled herself up. Bucky was afraid she would collapse, and he reached for her but pulled up short. She'd asked him not to. He'd respect her, much as it pained him.

She turned and saw his face, the desire to help and confusion as to how clear as day. He had offered to help all those years ago, but now she could see he wanted to help. He was a man who took things to heart, empathized. He'd given her no reason ti distrust him so - she clenched her jaw and reached her hand out, resting it on Bucky's tall shoulder and allowing her weight to lean into him. She could feel the tension in his shoulders intensify at the contact she'd just told him she didn't want, and then release in relief at the ability to help.

He lightly placed a tentative hand on her lower back, offering support and leading her forward to ward the bedroom.

As she sat on the bed, she rolled away from to her left side, and he bent to gather the blankets off the floor. Her shame washed over her as she closed her eyes, the memories assaulting her once again. She snapped them open to remind herself where she was.

"I could help, you know," he said as he draped the blankets over her, her body shivering from the vomiting and panic. "I knew you. I knew-" He cleared his throat, not wanting to upset her by calling her Raven when she'd asked him not to. "-before. Not before Hydra, but before...the Reaper. I could try to help you. I could be your Steve..."

He watched her back for a moment, waiting to see if she might be receptive to his help. As he stood there, he realized that he wanted this for her, to help her find herself - or whatever version of herself she could be after all the damage Hydra had inflicted. And he suddenly knew how Steve had felt.

She stared unseeing as Bucky spoke, conflicted between feeling desperate to know and yet desperately undeserving. She was a monster. There wasn't a day she couldn't remember being that monster so it must be true...right? And monsters don't deserve kindness or help. She sighed, tears finally breaking free from her eyes. Closing her eyes against the sadness, locking away her feelings, shutting herself off from the emotions trying to pull her under, she murmured, "Thanks for getting my bag."

"Of course," Bucky said sadly. "Happy to help." He flipped off the light and whispered, "Sweet dreams, Sleeping Beauty."