Tanner and Esme

Chapter 8 (Tanner): Work This Out

"There! Did you feel that?" Esme asked me excitedly.

I looked at her, grinning, my hand splayed over her belly. "I did. There it is again!"

Ez was about twenty-seven weeks, and although she'd been feeling the baby kick for longer, this was the first time I'd been able to feel him, feel our boy. Secretly, I'd been hoping for a little girl, but I was happy about our son. We'd decided on the name Jude, not because it was a family name or had any special meaning for us, but because as we'd been working through the baby name book, we'd both liked the way it sounded.

We lay on our bed for more than an hour feeling our son kick and laughing over how amazing it was. I was glad to hear Esme laughing because she'd had to drop her classes this semester after her severe morning sickness made it impossible for her to attend classes or study or work. The day she'd talked to her advisor about having to withdraw for the semester, she'd gone into our bedroom for three hours and cried for a while. Then, it was silent. After giving her some time to herself, I went in and sat on the bed next to her. I was never sure what to do with Ez, so I stroked her head, moving her hair away from her face.

"I'm so sorry, Ez."

She shrugged, then grabbed hold of my hand. Maybe to stop me from touching her hair, but it seemed like she wanted comfort. "I made the choice to have this baby."

"It's still not easy." I gave her hand a squeeze.

That was the truth. Nothing had been easy since we'd gotten married as we navigated being married but not being in love. A couple but not a real couple. I'd driven three hours to Mindy's school the Saturday after Esme and I had gotten married and broken the news to her in person because it was the right thing to do. She'd cried, then she'd gotten furious, accusing me of not loving her and betraying our love. I heard a lot of how could you? and I can't believe you and I hate you, and I tried to calm her down, but she wasn't having it. When she told me to just go, I did.

"You've just made the biggest mistake of your life, Tanner!" she'd shouted after me when I started to leave. "That girl is a mistake, your marriage is a mistake and that baby is a mistake!"

Now, all I could think with my hand on Esme's baby bump, was that it didn't feel like a mistake.

It felt a little bit like a miracle.

After about two hours of sleep, I woke up and checked the time on my phone. 2:41 a.m. I wondered if Esme was sleeping right now, or if she was awake, too, wondering how her life had gone to hell so quickly because of her husband's faithlessness.

Being in our bed without Esme's softness beside me felt wrong. I'd gotten in the habit of sleeping right next to her or putting my hand on her hip or arm, maintaining some connection between us even as we slept.

But you didn't even think about that connection when you went running to Mindy. You didn't think about the four years you'd been married.

I threw off the sheet and got up to look out the window. I hoped Ez wasn't crying right now, hoped she was sleeping so she could forget for a few hours what I'd done to her. Wondering exactly what she was thinking and feeling. I knew none of it could be good because what I'd done had been so bad. So horrible.

I don't expect anything from you, Tanner.

She'd told me that the first week we'd been married. Esme and I had been sitting on the couch that night after I'd gone to tell Mindy the news, and she'd just turned to me and said that out of the blue in the middle of the show.

I wondered if she knew where I'd been that day. I'd just told her I had something to do that would keep me away for most of the day, and I'd come back eight hours later. My mom had checked on her, and I'd called her a number of times on the way to Mindy's and back. So maybe she didn't know exactly, but maybe she knew.