Tanner and Esme

Chapter 10 (Esme): He's Begging Me

"God, Ez, you feel so fucking good. So fucking incredible. Always so amazing with you."

Tanner's words never failed to melt me. When we had sex, Tanner was both a dirty talker and a praiser.

His words probably fueled my fantasies that maybe, just maybe, he loved me.

When I thought back to when both my parents had been alive, I don't remember my father ever telling my mother that he loved her, but he always showed her. That I did remember very clearly. His actions had made her feel loved and adored, and she always winked at me after he'd done something sweet and then he'd walk out to another room or go outside, humming happily because he'd made my mother happy.

"Words are cheap, Esme. Give me actions every time. They always do speak louder than words."

Tanner's actions made me feel the way my mother had, especially in the last year. He was more affectionate than ever, and sex had become intense. The way he looked into my eyes as he moved inside me, the way he insisted my eyes be open and on him -- it was beautiful. Meaningful. I felt closer to Tanner than ever before, and those hopes I'd ruthlessly pushed down that we could someday have a real marriage started rising from the depths. Only now, I didn't push them back down. I let them become a secret smile in my heart.

Tanner came not long after I did and he rolled to his back, taking me with him, refusing to break our connection. Both of his hands came up and framed my face, then he pulled me down for a hungry kiss, and I felt him twitch inside me. The man was insatiable, and I felt proud that I was the one who drove him wild and the one who satisfied him.

"Esme, would you ever have another baby with me?" He'd broken our kiss suddenly to ask me that.

Would I?

"Tanner, where'd that come from?"

"I was just thinking the other day about when you were pregnant with Jude. How we'd get on the bed every night and we'd both put our hands on your bump and laugh and talk and dream while we felt Jude moving around."

"I loved that," I admitted to him. "I looked forward to that every night."

"So did I. And then watching you give birth -- I hated the pain you were in, but the look on your face after our boy was born was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life."

"Tanner, I don't even know what to say to that."

"I want two children, Ez. You've mentioned having two children before, too. Jude will be four in not too long, so it's been on my mind."

"But, what if someday you find...?"

"No," he said sternly, seeing where I was going with this. "You are the only woman in the world I want to have babies with. The only woman I want to be the mother of my children." He pressed a kiss to my lips. "The only woman, Ez."

I lifted my head and shook it to clear that memory. Except for Mindy. He'd failed to mention her. I was the only woman except for Mindy.

I needed to stop crying. After catching him with Mindy, I'd broken down outside of his office, and then, once his mother had taken me to their house, I'd continued crying until just before the sun rose and his mother threatened to call my doctor. I'd woken up and cried some more, took a little break when Jude came home from preschool, then when he'd gone to bed, I'd cried some more. Why we have to christen the death of our dreams with our tears, I couldn't say, unless it was to wash the remnants away so we could start fresh with new dreams.

Enough is enough, I told myself. It was time to mop up the tears and get on with it. I had a little boy to take care of and a baby on the way. So I showered, got ready for the day and took Jude to preschool, letting his chatter distract me and point me toward what mattered.