Tanner and Esme

Chapter 12 (Tanner): So Much Pain

"Is she ever going to do anything other than just be a mom?" Trent asked me at Jude's second Christmas. My mom was taking pictures of Esme and Jude by the tree. I was next with Jude and then Mom would take more of all three of us.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked my brother. "Just be a mom? Do you have any idea what that takes?"

"Not a college degree, that's for sure."

"Fuck off, Trent. She's going back to school when Jude's in kindergarten."

"Sure she is. In the meantime, you have to work your ass off while she reaps the benefits. Don't you ever wish you could do the travel blog? Don't you hate sitting behind a desk all day?"

Not as much as I'd thought I would at one time. "It's not that bad, and Esme works harder than I do."

"Do you even hear yourself Tan? Not that bad. Not unhappy. Not the worst life. And those are just a few of the phrases I've heard over the last year or so. Is that what you have to look forward to, little bro? A life that's nothing but not? I fucking hate that for you. Absolutely fucking hate it. You craved adventure, travel and Mindy. And now you're a corporate drone with a wife and son. You're trapped, Tanner. And you can tell yourself it's not so bad, but in the meantime, you're withering away and I feel like I'm the only one noticing. It's OK to want something for yourself."

"Tanner!" Esme called to me. "Your turn for pictures."

She smiled at me, that sweet smile I came home to every day.

I walked away from my brother, leaned down and kissed her on the lips.

After my quiet meltdown with Jude, I took him into the kitchen with me. There, he colored a picture at the table while I made him a quick dinner of chicken noodle soup, carrot sticks and a grilled cheese sandwich. I was too agitated to eat, wondering how Ez was doing, how the labor was progressing, wanting to text my mother every five minutes but forcing myself not to so she could focus on Esme.

In the two weeks since Mom had laid out some hard truths to me, I'd been thinking about what she'd said.

She can't forgive you because you're still the same person who hurt her.

Saying sorry only works when you're little. You have to dig a little deeper.

Why would she want you in the room with her when you're not a source of comfort but of pain? 

Esme needs to concentrate on having that baby without being reminded of your infidelity.

Those words were ringing in my head when I went to sleep and when I woke up. And often, they kept me awake for hours. I was still the same person. I needed to dig deeper. I had to become a source of comfort to Esme. But at that point, I still hadn't figured out the second part of the answer to the question: what had I done? I was inching closer to the answer, but I wasn't there yet.

Jude and I had been on the floor, where I was building wooden block walls for him to smash with his trucks. We started debating which trucks made the best noises when they hit the walls when my phone chimed with a text.

Getting close, Tanner! Bring Jude to the hospital, fifth floor, room 511.

I practically levitated from the floor when I read the text.

"Come on, little man! Mommy's about to have the baby."

I scooped him up, grabbed his backpack I had ready by the door, filled with toys, snacks, juice boxes and a change of clothes. We made it out of the driveway in record time. Since the hospital was only five minutes away, it wasn't long before I'd parked, plucked Jude out of his seat in the back, and hustled into the hospital. Once I proved who I was, security allowed me through to the labor and delivery floor, and I heard my mom call my name from the waiting room.