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Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A man from the town of Yeosu drove to the city of Gwanju with his three children in the backseat. He was looking for his wife who had run away seven months earlier. He told the kids to walk to a police station and have the officer in charge contact their mother. Mom never showed up, and Dad was arrested for child abandonment. However, the judge let him off with a stern warning.
I cooked bacon and hash browns for Rice-Boy Larry. He was sitting at the kitchen table as his vittles sizzled in the pan.
I said, "I saw a story in the paper about a woman who deserted her kids."
He nodded. "That's cheery stuff, and it's right in time for the holidays."
"She's been gone for seven months."
He shot me the stink eye. "And what's your point?"
I shrugged. "We aren't the only men who have suffered at the hands of a disturbed female. So there's no reason to go around feeling like you're special."
"I never said I was special."
I held up my hands in a gesture of surrender. "Whoa! You're getting a tad defensive. I'm just saying that from time to time, the bluebird of happiness takes a giant dump on everybody's head."
"You don't have to worry about me. I'm doing just fine."
My heart goes out to both my children. I can't imagine how they feel being discarded by their very own mother. It can't be easy. For me, it's been a blessing. Life has been peace and joy since the Dragon Lady packed her bags. But my sons must have mixed emotions. After all, she's the woman who gave them life.
Later that morning, I caught the bus to work. A huge cold front has recently engulfed the entire peninsula, and my balls began to shrivel as soon as they felt the frigid air. I'm one of those assholes who wears Crocs even in the depths of winter, and I nearly took a header due to slipping on a patch of ice.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Korea has the worst weather on the entire planet. You sweat your testicles off during the summer, and you freeze your nuts off when Christmas rolls around. There's no happy medium on the peninsula. You're completely miserable throughout the entire year.
I got to the office at 7:30 a.m. and struck up a conversation with my friend and colleague Richard Hurtz.
He said, "I'm going to celebrate Festivus at a local bar. You should come."
"Festivus? Do you really hate God that much?"
He smiled at me. "It's hard to hate something that doesn't exist."
"Be careful. They tell me that hell is awfully hot."
He laughed out loud. "So are you in or out?"
"I'm out."
"How come?"
I took a sip of coffee. "C'mon. I'm not some young whipper-snapper. So bars hold no appeal for me. Besides, I'm not going to leave Larry alone on the Lord's birthday."
Mr. Hurtz punched me playfully on the arm. "Maybe you can meet a woman and get laid."
"No thanks. I'd rather just jerk off to porn." I paused for dramatic effect. "The last thing I need in my life at this time is another female. I'd rather cut off my own head with a rusty hacksaw."
He shot me a big goofy grin. "Suit yourself."
The rest of my day was actually pleasant. Nothing of note happened.
