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Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A man from Jeju Island has been raising chickens in his backyard for many years. One fateful day, he saw a stray dog messing with the coop, so he shot it in the spine with an arrow. The pooch ran away and was found 6 miles away with the arrow sticking out of its back. Anyway, the culprit was apprehended and charged with animal cruelty. He will now spend the next ten months in prison for his crime.
I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.
She said, "Something horrible happened to Sis."
"Holy shit. Don't leave me hanging."
Mom sighed heavily. "The principal of her school has decided not to renew Sis's contract." Mom sighed again. "When June rolls around, she won't have a job."
My sister is a teacher in America. She had tenure at her previous job, but she left because the commute was killing her. When you switch districts, your tenure disappears. You have to hang around for three years before you can get it back again.
I said, "Teaching jobs are falling off the trees, and she's special education. Therefore, she should be able to get another gig in no-time flat."
"But that's not the point. She loved that school and adored her work. She's really broken up. In fact, she couldn't stop crying when she spoke to me on the phone."
"Well, tell her to keep her dick up."
"That's all you have to say?"
I laughed out loud. "Mom, I worked as an American high-school teacher for five years. It was fucking horrible. If she wants to fight the principal's decision, then tell her to contact her union rep."
I spent the next several hours cleaning my bathrooms and kitchen. Then I did three loads of laundry. I was by my lonesome. Rice-Boy Larry had went outside to play basketball with his friends. I also had to walk to the store to purchase jelly donuts. I simply can't survive without my favorite breakfast food.
Around three p.m., I got a call from one of my colleagues. She explained to me that Larry had joined her afternoon club but that he had failed to fill out the proper online form to make things official. I wanted to tell the woman that my boy had changed his mind due to the fee. Yet I knew that would cause discomfort at the workplace, so I assured her that he would do it as soon as possible.
I picked up my smartphone and gave my son a ring.
He said, "What is it?"
"I've got some horrible news."
"Yeah?"
"I just got done speaking to your children. And you're going to have to cough up the cash for the starving African children. The deal is set in stone."
He let out a huge groan. "Shit!"
"Look at it as a life lesson."
Anyway, he came home at 6 p.m., and we went to a barbecue-pork restaurant. It's one of those places where you have to grill the meat by yourself while sucking down soju. We struck up a conversation as we stuffed our fat faces.
I said, "What are you reading in English class?"
"The Pit and the Pendulum."
I shook my head morosely. "I hate that fucking story."
"How come?"
"No dialogue. Plus the writing is very awkward. It's tough to navigate without falling asleep."
He shrugged his shoulders. "I guess you're right. I like Poe's other stuff a lot better."
The bill for the meal came to seventy-five dollars. From now on, I'm sticking to Napalm chicken and pork soup. I'm not made of money.
