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Yesterday evening, I walked to the bathroom and took a wicked dump. While I was sitting on the throne, I read the headlines in the local newspaper. Nearly half of Korean newlyweds have no intention of having children. They say that the price of housing is simply too expensive to have a family. They also claim that they would rather succeed in their careers as opposed to raising prosperous well-adjusted rugrats.
I wiped my stanky ass and sat on the sofa. Then I attempted to view an episode of American Horror Story on my computer. But Rice-Boy Larry soon pissed on my party.
He said, "Dad?"
There was a pensive look on his face.
I said, "What's the problem?"
"Mom called me about an hour ago. I missed it. Should I call her back?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "Son, that's up to you. I don't want to interfere in your relationship with the woman who gave you birth."
Anyway, he went to the kitchen to contact his mom, and a screaming match soon broke out. I had no idea what the fuck was going on because the fight was in Korean. In order to avoid the drama, I placed my headphones over my ears and cranked up the volume. I hate conflict with a passion. It actually interferes with my digestion. I shit you not.
Fifteen minutes later, he tapped me on the shoulder.
I sighed heavily. "Does your mother have a problem?"
"She says that you're a disabled person who ruined her life."
I laughed and laughed. "Well, that piece of information doesn't exactly come as a surprise. The woman hates my guts."
"Why does she dislike you so much?"
I shook my head. "I don't know. But as soon as I put the ring on her finger, her feelings toward me made a sharp turn. She despised me from day one of our marriage." I paused for dramatic effect. "Yet perhaps I gave her a reason. Let's face it. I ain't exactly the most prosperous son of a bitch in the world. Maybe she longed for a husband who could give her nice cars and pretty things to wear."
"I can't believe that you married such a loon."
I smiled at him. "Larry, I was one of the ugliest men on the face of the earth. So it's not like the ladies were standing in line. I took what I could get. And it wasn't all bad. After all, her womb produced you and your brother. Now I'm simply a salmon swimming upstream."
At 10 p.m., I walked to my room and watched porno as I relaxed in bed. My favorite videos featured older couples seducing young and nubile babysitters. That's pretty fucking sick, isn't it? Yet those clips really turned me on. I've got some serious demons swimming around in my head.
I woke up at 8 a.m. and called my mother using Facebook Messenger. She was shopping at Old Navy with my sister.
I said, "So what's the verdict?"
Mom said, "The verdict?"
"My Mexican stepfather. Is he going to live to see tomorrow?"
"The doctor says that my husband's arteries are becoming blocked. So he added a new pill to your stepfather's daily regimen. They don't want to operate because he's 85 years old. But if the medicine doesn't work, they'll have no choice."
