My Pleasure, Darling

26: Felix and the Formula One

There are no roadblocks or sentries to get out of Hakkat. On one hand, this is great. On the other hand, it gives Felix free reign to speed down the freeway like he's trying to win a trophy. As much as I trust him, I'm still kind of anxious as he rips across the tarmac.

He doesn't say anything to me, and I don't say anything back. I don't have anything to say, because I don't have any plans left. The ports aren't safe. The air fields aren't safe. The borders aren't open. That only leaves us one option.

I try not to think about it. It's miles away. It'll take a long time to get there.

It's nearly eleven by the time the car rolls to a slow halt by the side of a gas station. With his terrifying driving, we've crossed near half the length of Lamyra in one morning.

Felix puts his head back, eyes closed. "I need a break."

"I'll drive. Go take a bathroom break and then we'll go."

"Sure."

I turn to Andrea. She's uncomfortable, being in the car again. "Good morning, sleepy head."

She waves at me, looking around. I get out and unbuckle her from her car seat so she can be more comfortable. "I packed a few books in your bag. If you like, I can read you one later tonight."

She doesn't really respond. It's been strange, lately. She likes me, but she doesn't talk to me, and I don't understand why I am special. While she'll speak full sentences to Felix or Elise or Lionel, and not me.

No matter.

"How long do we have to stay in the car this time?"

I take it back. When I turn to look at her, she is sullen, picking at her clothes. Unhappy. But not willing to cause a scene. Too scared to say she doesn't want to travel anymore. I try to get down on her level a bit more. I can't lie to her. "You know what, Andrea? I don't really know. We didn't mean to be in the car anymore, so it's a bit of a surprise."

She's not satisfied.

"We have to travel quite far away, to Kilea, before we can get out of the car for good." The way Felix drives, it might not be that long. "Three or four days." I hope it's less, but best not to get her hopes up.

She can't help but cry. I pull her out of the car to hug her, hold her on my hip an comfort her, but I don't know what else to do but let her cry it out on my shoulder. She's not hysterical, but she's sobbing.

She must be so tired, so confused, so frustrated. I understand she needs to cry. Me, too.

Felix returns, and he's clearly disturbed by Andrea's state, but I just give him a small shake of the head.

Bobbing her up and down a little, I walk, very slowly, towards the bathrooms. Through the window you can see these are kind of nice, not as grimy and grubby as others. I wait outside for a little bit, until her sobs turn into little whimpers and she dries her eyes with both hands.

Thank God. I can put her down soon. She's heavy to hold like this.

"I'm sorry to upset you. I don't mean to make you cry. I want to make you happy. Right now it's a little hard."

This starts a new round of crying. Great, Lois. Keep it up. She sobs into my shoulder. "I want my mommy!"

She couldn't have said anything else in this world that would bring tears to my eyes that quickly. I squeeze her a little harder and move to sit, so my arms don't ache so much. "Me, too, sweetheart. Me too."

I'd kill to have him here right now. To have him soothe her for me, to have him tell me what to do, to guide me. To stroke my hair and tell me I'll be alright, and that he'll be there to protect me.