Consider Me Gone

Chapter 17.

Jax

Today was supposed to be different, today felt like it was supposed to be good. Everything started so perfect but then turned to sh*t in the blink of an eye.

I told Tara that I'd be going up to Oregon with her and the boys, only to return when I knew they were safe up there. We sang songs with Abel on the way and stopped at the park to give everyone a chance to relax after driving for so long.

We talked again about our plans and wants, and we both agreed that Tara should take the job in Oregon. We agreed that we'd still leave Charming as a family, and it felt like nothing stood in our way.

But then the unspeakable happened, and I heard Tara's screams from across the park. I only turned my head for two minutes before someone snatched Tara in front of our kids. I acted fast as she cried out for help and I was able to retrieve her on foot.

However, I wasn't able to grab her unscathed and I noticed that her hand was bleeding profusely. I blamed myself as I watched them put her away on a stretcher, and I had to follow the ambulance back to Charming so that they could admit her to St. Thomas.

All the while I was driving I was calling everyone to find Toni and bring her back to the hospital. She was the only one in that hospital who could fix Tara's hand, and I didn't trust anyone else to do the job.

Happy found her only a few miles outside of Charming at the beach with her doctor. Her phone was tucked neatly in her bag, so she hadn't heard Margaret calling her. Happy told me that she took a ride back with the doctor, and told him that she'd see him at the hospital.

She managed to make it back in time to scrub in but hadn't said anything to anyone when she arrived. Everyone's eyes followed her when she walked through the hospital with Sloan following close behind her. He was holding her things in his hands as she ran through the hospital to prepare for surgery.

When the whole ordeal was done, I wasn't around to hear the news. I was consumed with getting retaliation for what they had done to my fiance. Gemma had been the one to stay with Tara while I was gone, but upon my return, I managed to see Toni before she went in to talk to Tara. She looked tired, and the expression on her face was unreadable.

She had just finished talking to Margaret in the hallway, and for the first time ever, the two of them seemed to be having a cordial conversation. However, when she saw me she looked visibly annoyed, and when I walked up to her she held her hand up to stop me.

"I will not be talking about anything outside of this injury, so if you have something else to say to me, save it. I'm not interested." She had a serious look on her face as she held the door open to Tara's room and Tara perked up when she saw her.

"Hello Dr. Knowles, how are you feeling?" There was a sweet undertone to Toni's voice that I noticed she would use with her patients. But I guess that makes sense since Tara was her patient now; I just wish her compassion didn't sound disingenuous.

Tara could clearly tell that Toni was being nice to her to preserve her reputation. Toni and Tara were doctors at the end of the day, and bedside manners were important to their careers.

"Anxious," Tara admitted. Toni nodded her head, but there was a look on her face as she registered what Tara had said, that gave me the small glimpse of hope that she actually cared.

"Well, this recovery won't be easy, but I'm confident that we will bring you to a place that is healthy and reasonable."

"Reasonable, huh?" Tara swallowed the lump in her throat, "how bad is it?"

Toni's face was serious as she looked at Tara, "Well, your bones will set as you recover, however, the nerve damage was severe."

"Oh, God," Tara stared up at the ceiling as she tried to fight her tears.

"What does that mean Toni?" I asked, not fully understanding the anatomy of all this.

"It means that I won't have full use of my hand," Tara said answering the question."

"Is that permanent?"

"These things take time Jax, we won't know for sure."

"Well, can you do more surgeries that will fix it?" I said with a bit of an edge in my voice. I knew they were doing all they could, but their best wasn't good enough for me. Being a surgeon was Tara's livelihood, I couldn't just watch her lose it all.

"We can try, but as your doctor with your case, we won't know where we stand right now. Nerves are complex and there is a ticking clock on repair when there has been trauma. I'm going to consult with Lane and DElafield out of Cedars, they're the best hand surgeons in the country. Only then will we know our next course of action."

"Okay, thank you," Tara said dismissing Toni. Toni nodded her head and said nothing further as she exited the room. I figured that Tara would have more questions, and more things to say, but she just seemed numb.

"Tell me what I can do for you," I said sitting down on the chair nearest her bed.

"Nothing."

Her indifference hurt me to my core, and I fought back tears as I watched her lie there in self-pity. "Please get mad at me Tara. Scream at me or something. I know this is all my fault."

"No, it's not Jax. This had to happen."

My eyebrows came together in confusion at her words. "What are you talking about?"

"Fate. We're supposed to be together, right? But you can't leave here."

"I am leaving here with you," I said reassuring her.

"No. The club won't let you. Gemma won't let you. Charming won't let you," she choked up at the last part and I climbed into the bed next to her and caressed her.

"Babe, that's just the drugs talking. You should get some sleep."

She scoffed, "The only way I can be with you is if I lose my way out. I lost that today, baby." A tear escaped her eye as she continued, "Toni gave up everything to be with you, and I never understood why. She was brilliant and she had everything laid out for her. She gave up everything for you, and I never understood until now. She had to give up those things to love you. The only way to love you is to sacrifice, and because of what we did to her, I lost it all."

"No," I said trying to prove her wrong. I didn't like the way she was talking, I didn't like that she now thought this way.

"I have a dead hand. No one will want me now. I'll never save another life again. I'll never fix a tiny heart."

"Hey, don't talk like that," I said holding her face in my hand.

"It's okay because now we can be together. You, me, Gemma here in beautiful Charming, while Toni rides off into the sunset leaving us all where we belong. Happy family." There was a sinister smile on her face that vanished when her words settled. "Maybe I should smash my other hand, that way I can just stay at home. Be a mom, raise a bunch of babies."

"Tara, stop. Don't do that," I said getting up from the bed.

"You should leave now," she said turning her face away from me.

"Babe, I'm sorry," I said feeling immediately regretful about snapping at her.

"Please Jax, I can't look at you right now or anyone. Please just go," she begged. When I leaned in to hug her she began to yell at me to "leave" in between sobs. My whole body shook with my tears as I left her there and closed the door. Today was supposed to be the perfect day, but today felt like the worst day of my life.