Consider Me Gone

Chapter 24.

Tara

Couldn't sleep. I love you. - Jax

I sighed as I read the note Jax left on the kitchen table. I was beginning to lose count of how many times he left during the night. Sometimes I didn't know where he ran off to, or what he was doing when he got there.

He hardly shared anything with me anymore, and as the shock of Opie's death settled, he became more and more distant. I didn't know what to do to bring him out of this funk, because Jax wasn't the kind of person to open up to people. He just bottled everything inside of himself until he finally can't take it anymore and explodes.

I often feel like this is the lowest point in my life, but then I remember Toni and wonder how she managed to get through all the tough times with Jax. How did she cope in a life that demanded so much from her? I felt like I was drowning in my own personal hell, a place where nobody could hear me scream even if I tried.

I've been thinking of her a lot lately. We had a going away party for her at the hospital, and it felt like everyone in the hospital poked their head into her office to say goodbye. I envied her for being able to do the one thing I wanted most, and I was beginning to resent Jax for not being able to come through on his promises.

I had no reason to resent him, as I played an important role in keeping our family in Charming. However, with each passing day and Toni's leave drawing nearer, I found myself growing more and more resentful towards him.

I guess it's true what they say about grief. It can either tear you apart or bring you closer. Opie's death was having a negative impact on my marriage. His death was revealing hidden truths that, if I had known about them earlier, would have prevented me from rekindling my relationship with Jax all those years ago.

I believe that Jax wants Toni back. And even though I tried to convince myself that Jax loved me and that he loved our family enough not to hurt me. During the wake, I could see Jax give me a look filled with so much disappointment that I had to leave the room to breathe.

The look on his face shook me to my core so much that after the wake was over I went to find him to talk. Because in my head, I assumed that whatever he was feeling toward me could be mended. But then, in the dark, I heard him talking to Bobby. Confessing his sins like Bobby was some kind of Pope.

"I can't believe she's not here," he said. "She didn't even show her face." Bobby looked down at Jax with sympathy, "It's been a long time. It probably doesn't feel right."

"When is it ever going to feel right?! Opie was family!" Jax yelled as he kicked a trash can causing me to jump.

He felt so angry because of Toni's absence that I became jealous. Because even though she was nowhere to be found, he still thought of her. So, that night, I lied to him. Thinking that this would put the final nail in the coffin of whatever feelings he had left for Toni.

I blamed Toni for Opie's death. I told him that she didn't save him and that Opie was still viable for surgery. I was speaking out of anger, but now after realizing that my fib has done nothing but draw him near to her, I regret it wholeheartedly.

When I told the lie, I didn't think I was putting Toni in danger because she was leaving soon, and Jax would never follow her up to Washington. I didn't think anything would ever come of it, and that Jax would just hate Toni until she was permanently out of our lives.

But while I was doing the laundry one day, I stumbled upon a small black box in the pocket of Jax's jeans. I assumed it was a gift for me and carelessly opened it, hoping to find a pair of earrings or another necklace. However, as soon as I caught a glimpse of the object, I instantly recognized it to be Toni's wedding ring. It was unsettling to find Toni's ring in Jax's clothes because I knew that before this, she had never given it to him.

Toni's demeanor at work hasn't changed. She doesn't give me any suspicious looks or seem nervous around me. She was never a good liar, so I'd like to think that if she were having an affair, it'd be easy to tell. So, the only thing left to do was confront Jax.

I tried to be subtle because I knew he wasn't sleeping with her. I figured this was an attachment style of grief, and that he was grasping onto something familiar. So, I left it on the kitchen table when he got home and pretended to be busy in the kitchen.

Unfortunately, when he walked through he ignored the confrontation, slipped the box back into his pocket, and left out the door he came. He didn't even sleep in the house, he just seemed angry that I even tried to bring it up.

I felt so stupid for thinking that I would get an answer from him, or that he'd explain himself in any kind of way. So, I sought out advice from a counselor at the hospital, only because I had no one else to share this with, and there was no way I was talking to Gemma.

I fabricated a story a bit. Swapping out Jax for Abel, and Toni for a stuffed animal. I was too embarrassed to mention the true characters in this story, but I wanted a quick answer.

The counselor informed me that Abel (Jax) was experiencing attachment grief, which was evident from his hyper fixation on an object that reminded him of the person he lost. It is suggested that an anxious attachment style can lead to an increased focus on the loss, difficulty in coping with the loss alone, and in severe cases, persistent and severe grief accompanied by reflection and fixation with the lost relationship.

When I asked her how to fix him, she suggested cognitive behavioral therapy, and as soon as she mentioned it, I knew that there was no way I could convince Jax to see a shrink. Especially since he wouldn't admit that he was becoming obsessed with Toni.

I feel completely hopeless and I don't know how to bring my husband back to me. I love Jax, if I could stop loving him, I would. But this is the man I chose to build my life with, and I know that sooner or later we're going to make it out of Charming together as a family. But right now, the biggest obstacle standing in my way is not his mother, the club, or Charming itself. But the only person I've never been able to completely overrule in his mind, and that person was Toni Colette Thatcher.