More Than This

5 - Matt

Hey all! Just an FYI that this chapter just about did me in...it was really tough to write and it's still not what I envisioned. There is a specific point to what's happening here and I'm not sure the right message is being conveyed. I may jump back and change it at some point if I have an "aha" but who knows...

Song of the chapter - Killing in the Name by Rage Against the Machine

My stomach hurt. I hated that feeling, the not knowing what's gonna happen next. I hated it. So much.

Nothing in my life was going right. Courtney was a parasite, attaching herself to me and bleeding me dry. With Amber out of the picture, she'd decided she's my girlfriend now. Wouldn't leave me the fuck alone for five damn seconds. Wouldn't shut her mouth no matter how much I ignored her. I honestly didn't care enough about her to call Courtney out on her behavior.

Why couldn't she go hit on some other jock? I dug myself into this hole. Looked like I was gonna have to dig myself out.

Pete and I didn't see eye to eye on anything anymore either. He was constantly giving me shit about everything. The crew, my car, school, Courtney. I could handle most of it, but the worst was when he started in about Amber. Ever since that night at the lot he had been giving me a hard time.

Where's Amber? Still calling out her name? Looks like she's made some new friends. Maybe she's got a thing for bad boys...

He knew exactly how to push my buttons. Pete had noticed Amber walking around school with April, now he wouldn't let up about it. And he knew it meant trouble for her. Which, of course, also meant trouble for me.

As soon as I saw that crazy bitch coming out of Amber's house, I had been keeping my eyes open. The last few weeks at school, Amber seemed to be attached at the hip with that freak. What the hell was she thinking hanging with that crowd? She had never been able to see through people, me being the prime example, and now it was gonna get her killed.

Amber didn't know how to handle herself with the tough type. That's why I had never wanted to take her to the lot. She was just too innocent for that, too weak. How could she stand being with them? What did she even have in common with them?

I had changed my routine to make sure I could watch out for her. It was basically my fault she had gotten into the mess she was in, so I felt like it was my responsibility to keep her safe.
I walked through different hallways than normal, passing by her classes to check up on her there. At lunch I would arrive to the table late and leave early. Most of that time I spent walking around, just looking for her. I never did find out where she sat at lunch now.

The crew tried to give me a hard time about my new behavior, but I shrugged it off saying that I had stuff to do. Pete gave me a look that said bullshit, but everyone else seemed to let it go.

After school I would drive around her neighborhood, looking to see if April's car was in the area. It never was. I had no idea where Amber would go every afternoon, but it sure as hell wasn't her house. It would be too obvious if I tried to follow her, so I would just end up going home instead.

Pete was right. I was a whipped fuck up. All month I've been trying to keep it together, not let on how worried about Amber I am. But I know he knows. I'm surprised more of the guys haven't said something.

Now that we are on break for the holidays, I could keep my distance from them for a while. I needed some peace and quiet for a change. My fucking head was pounding from all of the drama.

I spent the first day of the break hunting for Amber. Driving my dad's Escalade was the perfect cover, especially with the ultra dark tinted windows. I drove around to all of the places I knew she liked to go. Her circle was pretty small, actually. The library, the park near her house, the grocery store. She was pretty dull, now that I think about it. She didn't even have a group of girlfriends she hung out with.