More Than This

6 - Matt

I finished this earlier than I thought, so I figured why make you guys wait? I am still planning on a Friday update, but because of this one it may not be ready until Saturday.

Song of the chapter - Boys Don't Cry by The Cure

Breaks from school are usually amazing. I spend all of my time hanging with the crew and enjoying myself. Girls are more relaxed without homework. And easier. No one has to worry much about school night curfews, not that we did anyway. It's one long party.

Basically we spend the entire break being assholes.

This break was different, in so many ways. I tried to hang with the crew a few times but I couldn't take being around them for long. Courtney kept trying to get me in bed, and at that point she was making me sick so I wanted nothing to do with her. I honestly never wanted much from her other than a quick lay. And now even that was out of the question.

Pete had a fucking smirk on his face twenty-four hours a day now. He continuously made snide comments about my newly single status, always hinting at the fact that I wasn't good enough for Amber. He was right, that was the god-awful truth. But it didn't make hearing someone who had been my best friend say I was a piece of shit any easier.

My dad was home, and he either caused a bunch of fucking drama over nothing or spent the whole time picking me apart. I don't know why I hadn't seen it before. I never realized how much he put me down. Everything he said to me was a judgement, I guess that's why I've always worried that people would see through me. I worried that they would see me the way he saw me. I was scared shitless that he was right.

Watching him be an asshole this week had been eye opening. I was just like him. And I didn't like it one bit.

I found myself thinking about what I had, and tossed away, with Amber. She had been patient when I had been jealous. She had been calm when I had been raging. She had been forgiving when I had been pathetic.

Why couldn't I have seen what I had?

Actually, that's bullshit. I knew what I had. I was scared I would lose it, so I let her go and walked away.

Until last week. As soon as my dad's true nature had become obvious to me, as soon as I finally saw who I had become, that's when I turned back. That's when I really started trying. That's when I started texting her.

The first time I wasn't exactly drunk, but I wasn't in my right mind. I had a beer at the lot that first Friday after we broke up. I kissed Courtney, but thought of Amber, calling out her name. I drove to Amber's house, missing her so damn much I didn't know what the hell to do. I watched that crazy bitch, April, leave her house and glare at me, killing me with her eyes.

I was so relieved that it wasn't some guy already moving in on what was mine, in my own fucked up thinking, that I figured I still had a chance. So after I got home, while still siting in my driveway, I pulled out my phone and did the cliche dumb ass move of drunk texting her.

im soo fucin sorry

Of course she ignored it. She probably deleted it the second it showed up. I sat there beating my head into the steering wheel for being such a pussy. Then I went inside my house and tried to forget.

Trouble is, how do you forget a girl like that? You don't. She gets under your skin and before you realize what's happening, you are a whipped piece of shit, like me.

The last month has been all about trying to make up for the mistakes I had made, watching Amber just to see that she was safe. But the last week had been more about making up for the asshole I had been, now that I saw myself truthfully.