More Than This

8 - Amber

Song of the chapter - Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer

Standing in the quad, talking to Matt, was a strange sensation. It was sort of like deja vu, but without it being at all familiar. I had stood in the quad talking to Matt at one point in time, back when we were just classmates working on an English assignment. He had been charming, and that hadn't changed. Matt's good looks and popularity would probably never change. He made a few more attempts at humor this time than he had in the past, and I had actually laughed.

But I was the variable in this new equation.
I was no longer nervous to be standing next to him, or feeling star struck at getting his attention. I wasn't thinking about how I looked or if what I was saying sounded dumb to him. None of that mattered, because he wasn't what I wanted anymore.

Friendship with Matt was fine. I felt like he needed someone he could trust and I was happy to be that for him. I truly hoped he could find a balance in his life and deal with his family issues so that he would have a chance at a happy future.

But that was all I could be for him now.

I was walking a thin line, knowing that he was trying to earn back my trust for some type of second chance with him. I wanted to be as honest as possible with him about my feelings, but something was holding me back from doing so.

When Matt walked away and I glanced over to the side entrance, I knew why I had kept my new feelings to myself. Garrett.

I was scared to admit a lack of feelings for Matt, because then I would be stuck with the feelings I had for Garrett.

My stomach tightened and then filled with butterflies as I saw him standing just yards away, typing furiously on his phone. I hadn't seen him in over a week. Nine days, fifteen hours and six minutes to be exact. I had actually been counting them. I had wanted Garrett to pull himself out of whatever fog he was walking through and call me. Deep down I knew he wouldn't, Garrett never called. But he hadn't texted me either. April said he hadn't even asked about me.

That hurt. A lot.

Because every waking thought I had was of him. His face as it leaned closer to mine. His breath as it warmed my cheek when he whispered how Matt didn't deserve me. His eyes and how they seemed to gain a new life the closer he brought them to me. His lips, softer and more tender than I could have imagined. The feel of his lips finally touching mine. The way my heart raced, the heat I felt course through me, even at such an innocent kiss.

He had kissed me. It was so brief, cut so short, but it had changed me. It had brought to the surface all of the feelings I had denied. The attraction I felt had multiplied and I had a hard time keeping it under control. I wanted him, just the way he was, all of him. It was Garrett. And I was so afraid that we would never be.

So rather than call out his name or walk up to him, I waited to see how he would react. When he looked up with a scowl on his face, I took in a sharp breath. Would he be angry with me?

But the instant he realized I was looking at him, a different expression washed over him. Regret...remorse...neither were looks I had hoped to see. So I took a deep breath and sighed, turning away from the one person I wanted to walk towards.

***

"Well, look who finally showed up!" April scolded me, or teased. With her it was hard to tell.

"I'm a slow walker." I shrugged.

"Whatever. I know you were stalking Garrett. He's not hard to find, just look for the grossest section behind the cafeteria and bingo, lover boy." April laughed.