Body {Prose Vol. 1}✔

94th Poem: Trapped

Trapped,

inside my own brain, enclosed in the walls I've built as my only defense against the outside terrors.

Trapped,

in the swirling words of peers, peers who pressure me into doing things I never would've thought of.

Being trapped sucks.

The thing is,

I think being trapped is the only way to keep me away from everyone else, away from fucking up everyone else's life.

Go on without me,

one friend says to the other as they fall to the ground. The friend surrenders herself to save the other, to give the other a chance.

Why not?

Why not give one of them a chance instead of none?

So, I stay trapped, trapped in my own cylinder...

I don't like it there, but it is easier to be trapped in my own thoughts then to let them escape and plague someone else's mind.

Kinda funny really, ironic even how I told everyone I'd never succumb to peer pressure, but I did.. I really did.

I watch everyone as an outsider, an outsider on the inside, behind my cylinder's glass, not for my protection, but for theirs. 

I mean, I am crazy, right?

At least.. I feel like I am.

Speaking of being trapped, that too by myself in my mind.

Crazy talk, right? 

I guess all my "friends" were right, I am adorable..

Adorable.. a terrible tasting word in my mouth.

Adorable because I actually thought I had a chance in this world, a chance if only I stayed myself. 

But why be myself?

I don't like myself, not sure if I ever have.

Trapped is what I am,

trapped is what I'll always be,

trapped in my mind,

trapped in my body, 

trapped, trapped, trapped!

Being trapped is all I will ever do,

no matter how hard I try.

How do I know?

Because somehow, each time I try to love myself, I fall into a pit of even more self hatred. 

Why?

Because I can't do anything right, that's why. 

Sometimes... I look up into the sky and wonder if God is looking down and smiling at me or if He's sporting a frown. 

I'm pretty sure he frowns..

Trapped, fake smiling,

trapped, pretending to be okay,

trapped, with a whole lot of stuff to say.

And even now, I'm trapped and acting like a freaking bitch who is protecting everyone else.

Huh, classic.

Living a delusion, as usual.

 The funniest part of it all is that I write this shit, like it's going to do anything.

I give my hope to other people who deserve it, other people who need it a heck of a lot more than I do..

What hope is left for me?

I don't think there is any.

But that's okay.. I'd rather be trapped by myself than trapped with someone else. I'd rather give my hope to someone so they won't be trapped like me. 

I'd rather keep my thoughts bottled up so others don't have to feel the burden.

I'd rather push my shit back just to hear theirs. And then when all of that is said and done, their burdens become trapped in my mind too.. 

Trapped in an endless vortex, my mind in turmoil.. 

I feel like this a lot, trapped.

Trapped, unable to make my own choices, even when you are always able to make a choice,

trapped, unable to help everyone who needs it, trapped, feeling worthless, trapped feeling like I am stupid, trapped trapped trapped trapped!

Why am I still trapped?!

Why can I never be free?

Am I really crazy?

Have I gone insane?

How can I do everything expected of me.. how can I do what needs to be done.. trapped.

Forever trapped..

Forever trapped in the thoughts of a stupid girl.

Forever trapped in the sadness of my slowly dimming heart..

Trapped.

A/N

@allein-  & @_Imperfect_Writing  You guys really have no idea how much you mean to me. You are some of the most wonderful young women that I know and I know you can relate to this... it makes me sad to think that. I really wish I could take your pain and your insecurities and any other shit that bothers you away, but I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't.

This is dedicated to you both. It is depressing as fuck but I just wrote it and I've been thinking of writing it for a while but a late night poem sesh called my name just now so..

I really hope you guys do see what you are worth some day.. see yourselves the way I see you both. Oh and @_Imperfect_Writing I don't have to see you to know that you are a wonderful person :)