Lullaby | Brahms Heelshire |

Chapter 26

Till the sky's darkness falls,

A mixed feeling of excitement and dread filled a cavity in my chest as Brahms swiftly led me through the walls. Every corner and turn had been ingrained into his mind, he didn't need to watch where he was going. It was so dark I couldn't see past the curls on his head. I was glad he was holding on to me so that I wouldn't crash or collapse.
I didn't know what I was doing. It was as if something else has taken over my body and I was watching from the side lines. We turned a corner and my body quaked. Every step was leading us closer to Brahms's destination. His mind was set. It was clear what he wanted. But mine was confused. Swimming through a whirlpool of strange emotions.
I'm not ready. I'm not ready! My mind kept screaming. I kept shaking my head, hoping to silence my pleading thoughts. I loved Brahms and he loved me. So it was only right for me to go through with it. Right? If I waited, would he lose interest in me? Would he stop loving me? My mind finally settled on the thought. It's only fair for me to do. It would fix everything. I smiled, feeling more hopeful and confident as we began to climb the cluttered and steep stairs that led to Brahms's room.
My blood began to race as he opened the door and light shined onto his face. He suddenly stopped and slowly turned to me, his hungry eyes looking me over. I tried to smile but my face was frozen in fear. He squeezed my hand and slowly led me deep into the room, not bothering to close the door. We were far from prying eyes, no one would ever see.
Second thoughts were popping up everywhere in my mind. Everything was moving so quickly. I had no time to think. Brahms circled me like a predator eyeing its prey. He stopped at my back and caressed my arms up and down. I shivered, wondering when the flames were going to consume me. "I've waited for so long Danny." Brahms said, his lips on my ear. "I've waited for you." My lips trembled as I heard him slide his shirt off. "I have too." I lied as a tear slid down my cheek. It was too late to turn back.
~*~
I left the room while Brahms slept, with an empty feeling in my chest. My body felt weak and cold. What was wrong with me? Wasn't I supposed to feel happy? Wasn't this supposed to fix everything? I shivered as I entered my own room. I didn't remember walking there. I couldn't feel anything except for pain.
I felt disgusted and disappointed with myself. I wanted to claw my skin off. I wanted to feel clean. I thoughtlessly walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. My body felt like it was stone. I stared at the water falling, trying to will myself to move. I finally managed to change and enter into the scalding water. My body was shaking but I couldn't feel anything.
I immediately picked up the bar of soap and began vigorously scrubbing my skin until it was red. I scrubbed every inch of my body, trying not to scream. All the while hoping I could get the sour feeling out of my stomach. I realized no matter how hard I scrubbed, I would never be clean again. I would never be pure again.
Tears suddenly burst from my eyes and I fell to the floor. I hugged my knees into my chest and sobbed. The water splashed on my head and ran down my face, mixing with my tears. I curled up into the smallest ball and hoped I could just disappear. When did I become so broken? Why can't I seem to put myself together. I thought being with Brahms was supposed to heal me, but instead it hurt me even more. I should feel fuller than I ever had, but I'm empty!
I finally turned the water off, but just sat in the shower for a while thinking about my sorrows. It was wrong of me to do that. I should have waited. I stood up, my body still sore and raw. I threw on some pajamas and dragged myself to bed. I pulled the covers over me, but it didn't take my shivering away. I felt so hollow. Like just an empty shell instead of a living breathing person. My body was numb and I couldn't even cry anymore. There was nothing left to cry out.
My eyes stung as I closed them. I couldn't imagine how late it was. I needed to get to bed. Sleep would be the best thing for me now. Perhaps it would be the only thing that heals me. But as I kept my eyes shut, images of Andy's disgusting smile and Brahms's hungry eyes flashed in my mind.
I could feel Andy forcing me down, hitting me so I would stay still. I would scream and kick but never break loose. Then out of no where, Brahms would tackle him and beat him till he stopped breathing. Then climb on top of me and proceed to have his way. He would wrap his large hands around my neck and squeeze tighter with every movement. Tighter and tighter until I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breath. I can't breathe
I shot up from my bed, choking and sputtering profusely. I could feel my cheeks grow hot and my eyes begin to water. I coughed until I was able to suck in enough air to pull myself together.
I had no idea how long I had been asleep, but I really didn't care. I was still tired, and I intended to rest until I felt better. Even if that meant I would never wake up.