I watched my best friend holding our son. Sebastian looked down at the baby amazed. Kimi stood beside me with he hand resting on my shoulder. I knew he couldn’t be more proud. He also watched Sebastian hold tiny Luukas. My grandfather who had gotten here earlier and had already had his moment with the baby was now at the nurses station fussing on why they did not put me in a nicer room. I knew the real reason he was our there was not because he wanted to be disagreeable or that I was really so above this hospital room, but he needed to get away. To distract himself from thinking about the negative. About the fact that my parents did no live long enough to see my become a mother. That his son never got to meet his grandchild. I know this because I am feeling all the same emotions. It is hitting me hard now that it has quieted down and Luukas is born and safe. My mother isn’t here to give me advice. I can’t just call her up when I am scared and don’t know what to do. My father will never hold his grandson. All because they were taken from this earth too soon. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. My parents were supposed to be here to see me have a baby and for when I get married, but they won’t. I tried to hold back the tears, but a loud sob came from my chest. Kimi looked down at me concerned as tears slowly streamed down my cheeks.
“What’s wrong Heidi?” Kimi rubbed my shoulder comfortingly.
“Its nothing. Just all of those post-partum emotions, you know?” I wiped the tears from my eyes. I wasn’t ready to visit this topic with Kimi. Honestly I wasn’t ready to fully visit it myself. I have not talked to anyone about my parents death and frankly I’m not sure its something I will ever be ready for. After they died I was sent to my grandfathers to live and I never talked about them again. I managed to surpass my emotions and put on a smile.
Kimi’s family entered to room. His mother was beaming as she spotted Luukas. Tears of joy welled up in her eyes. She looked at Kimi and said something in Finnish that I did not understand. Kimi replied to her in his native tongue. Paula quickly had the baby from Sebastian was cradling the small bundle in her arms. She looked down on him lovingly and I almost lost it again. Wishing my mother was getting to do the same. Kimi’s nephews were trying to get a peak at Luukas. Paula showed them the baby and they stood there gazing with the same childish wonder that Sebastian had. It didn’t take long before the boys grew tired of looking at the baby and started making mischief and Rami was forced to take them out of the room. Paula passed the baby back to me. I think she could sense that I was getting nervous having the baby passed around to everyone. I felt at ease as Luukas was back in my arms looking up at me.
“So Heidi, where do you plan on living now that the baby is born?” Paula asked I question that I really had not thought about. If I stayed here in Switzerland I would be alone. I could expect Kimi to quit racing to stay with me. I could always go back to Italy and live at my grandfathers, but I knew that would make it more difficult on Kimi to not be in his own home when he came to see his son. I really don’t know what I will do.
“I really don’t know.” I finally said.
“Well why don’t you come live in Finland?” Paula offered.
“I couldn’t impose on you.” I stuttered. What I really meant is, as much as I love Kimi’s family I can’t go live with people I hardly know. I felt incredibly uncomfortable.
“No please. I insist.” Paula pressed on.
“No really I can’t. I’m not sure that would be best.” I said, Kimi looked at me confused.
“Why are you being difficult Heidi? I think you living with my family would be a great idea. I will be off racing, so it would be perfect.” He said. Because living with your in-laws is never an ideal situation, no matter how well you get along, I though to myself.
“Kimi, maybe we can discuss this later. I private.” I said trying to remain polite.
“What is wrong with living with my family? Why can’t you just say yes now?” Kimi seemed deeply offended and was beginning to raise his voice.
“Don‘t pressure me iceman.” I replied sternly, glaring at him. His face flushed red with anger and the veins on his forehead pulsed.
“I’m going for a walk, princess” Kimi spat, he shot me a glance saying that he was hurt before turning and storming out of the room. The tension in the room was thick. His parents shifted awkwardly and I couldn’t bear to look up at them. Kimi had humiliated me. Pressuring me to give him an answer on the spot. We hadn’t had time to discuss any of this.
“I’m so sorry I caused this. I didn’t mean to start a fight.” Paula apologized.
“Its fine Mrs. Raikkonen. I think its just been a long day for all of us.” I replied, Luukas was becoming fussy.
“I think its feeding time.” I smiled.
“Oh, of course. We will leave you alone for a bit. I think I need to go find Kimi anyways.” Paula said before leaving the room.
Later Kimi came back alone. He seemed to have mellowed out a bit. I could smell smoke on him and I frowned. I couldn’t stand smoking and he certainly couldn’t do that around the baby. I think it was hitting me that despite the fact that Kimi and I had resolved some of our problems it still was not going to be easy. We haven’t had time at all to talk about how we want Luukas to be raised. I mean I haven’t even discussed where I will like for Heavens sake. Kimi stood there awkwardly for a moment.
“I’m sorry for causing such a problem.” Kimi muttered.
“it’s alright. I just think that is something we need to discuss as a couple. You can’t just throw me under the bus like that, in front of your family. I’m humiliated.” I looked over to the window.
“You’re right. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I just want to do what is best for you and the baby.” I finally looked back over at him and he was looking at the floor.
“Kimi,” he looked up at me. “I love you and I want to raise Luukas with you and us to be a perfect family. For that to happen we have to work together.”
“I love you too.” Kimi came over and kissed me on the lips. Luukas was sound asleep in my arms. Kimi kissed down my neck and worked his way down to my collar bone. Someone cleared their throat and Kimi broke away from me.
“No more little Raikkonen’s yet please.” Sebastian stood in the doorway chuckling. “I have to leave. Take care mama.”
Sebastian hugged me and kissed my cheek and then kissed the babies forehead. He jokingly went in to kiss Kimi as well and Kimi jerked away, but I could see he was fighting a smile. The men shook hands and Sebastian left.
“Maybe I should stay here in Switzerland until I can figure out where it is best for me to be.” I said.
“I trust you, but if you need anything you have to tell me. I don’t like the idea of you being alone.” I could tell that letting me have my way was hard for him.
“Thank you.” I replied, leaning forward and kissing him again.
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