Annihilation - Book Three

Chapter 39 (M)

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 He doesn't answer me.

 I can see his tendencies wanting to come out, he wants to pull away from me and avoid this just like I do. Neither of us has ever been good with talking about our feelings but I suppose now is as good a time as any. 

"I think 'Alpha' is hot, I like that you control me and command me to do things. It's how I have survived for so long, it's how I made it through school." I attempt to think if we ever talked about this part of our relationship. "I use to think that I needed this in my life, that if I didn't have someone to discipline and order me to do things I would amount to nothing. I still do, at times, feel like I'm completely worthless except for what I can offer you."

 He opens his mouth to argue and I knit my eyebrows together. 

"I don't need this. I have gotten stronger and for the first time in my life, I look in the mirror and recognize myself. I actually like who I see. I credit a lot of that to you, to your people showing me what it's like to have family in their own messed up ways. It's not perfect but it's ours and that is what I need." Capturing his hands, I marvel at their rough texture, the strength in which he holds in them, and yet how gentle he can be when they rest in mine.

 "I don't need 'Alpha' anymore, but I want this so badly I can't stand it."

I feel my inner self practically glow with pride. I have struggled with my demons since I was a child, I never was tough like my brothers or capable like my father. I always had to make my own path and it seemed like everyone else had paved clarity while I was looking into a dark, desolate jungle full of uncertainty and danger. 

Reflecting on the nature of our relationship, I search his eyes for any hint that he felt the same way. It started out so toxic, we both had so much growing to do. He was so hurt when I met him and I was damaged. It shouldn't work and yet here we are, two broken pieces making one.

 "When I thought you died-" I smooth my hands over one of his forearms, tracking the multiple different scars and marks while admiring the strength of the muscles and tendons. "And seeing how much you resented me when I used the book to kill Taryek, I felt like I needed something more but what I really needed was to stop hating you for having a life before me. I'm not saying it's going to be perfect or that I'm not still fucked up, but I think you're still fucked up too."

I look up at him, watching his calculated expression as he processes what I'm saying. "I know I said before that we are both horrible people, that we kill people, but we don't. We save people, Randy. Everyone thinks we are the bad guys but we aren't, I don't know if we can be considered the good guys but we are the only ones willing to stop this. There is not another person I would want to do it with." 

Taking a deep breath, my eyes locked with his. I know he feels the same as I do about this mission, the likely hood of either of us coming back becomes slimmer with each one of our friends that we lose. "If I'm going to die, if I'm going to lose you, it better be fucking worth it." 

He bends to kiss me, I move my lips against his, pulling him down to my height. His arm comes to curl around my waist as I arch into his warmth. "So you wish to be mine?" He asks against my lips. 

I chuckle as I break the kiss, breathless. "Is that a lazy form of a proposal?" 

He moves to kiss down my cheek to my jaw, grazing the skin with his teeth. "Since when are you a romantic?"

I tug his hair firmly, my body rejoicing at the growl I receive as a reward. Oh, how I missed that. "I just poured my heart out to you. I'd say that's pretty romantic." Parting his lips to hover them over my own, he rolls his hips against mine, making my body sing with temptation. "Are we in agreement? I really want you right now."