The Story Of Sarelle (Twilight)

Chapter 45

Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgement of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it. – Kathleen Casey Theisen

When my body stilled I didn't have to adjust myself to my emotions. When I opened my eyes I knew I didn't have to discover this place. I knew exactly where I was, and somehow I just knew why I was here.

Like the time when fate had lead me to Carlisle in the forests of Tennessee, or to the party in Rochester. The same feeling was settled in me now, and I didn't have to think when I stashed my bag behind the same rose bush that I had those few months ago. It had been the late day of autumn that day, I could remember how the pale sunshine had rippled off the duck pond and the grass was a luscious green due to the mix of Chicago summer rain and sun. It sat in fresh contrast against the earthy hues of the fall leaves - emerald and bronze, such familiar colours to me.

From the dusky light of day I sensed it was the early hours of the morning. Dew drops rested on the blades making them glistening in the early morning light, like diamonds scattered in the rough. I knew it was the tender days of spring. I recognised the way the air was whipped up into a blustery wind, like it had been those months with Edward when we would walk in the park. The soft force of the wind, and the strokes of it against the pond, created a series of shimmering ripples racing across its surface. The sky wasn't patches of blue and white as it had been when I last left here (just a day gone yesterday); instead it was a steady blanket of fluffy grey, no sun peeping out to light my face.

The Park of Chicago in early spring was just as pretty as it always had been, but now it didn't shine with the excitement of seeing Edward. There was no part of me that felt the need to rush to his house and soak him up with my eyes. I knew the answer as to why I didn't feel any of this. He wasn't a part of this place anymore. He wasn't a part of me. I had given that part away to his immortal self and was left with the other half of me that had loved my mortal version of him, the mortal version that had died at the tender age of seventeen. The same age as me, even though he was tricked into believing otherwise.

I stepped out from behind the rose bush and picked a pink bud as I went. As I stepped out from my comforting thicket I felt the wind dance with my black satin gown, pulling it up into the air and then letting it flutter to the ground in twisting and turning motions. My hair followed the same path as I walked calmly across the park.

I had partly expected myself to crack under the weight of loss. After all, I had lost a part of me that had been so important, but I knew that losing that part to my vampire was the right thing to do. It left space for me to properly grieve the death of the man that was mine, and mine alone. I couldn't properly miss Edward Anthony Masen when his immortal replica continued to show up and claim me as his. My human boy didn't deserve to be forgotten just because his venom improved version kept me trapped in his golden gaze. So when I left that part of me in Edward Cullen's open palms along with the diamond ring and charm bracelet, I let myself open up to the grief I was due to feel.

I left myself open to be Edward Masen's completely and irrevocably.

As my mind started to peep out from its protective shell I felt the first onslaughts of the pain I had expected. The grief was seeping through me, and I felt my steps start to slow as I exited the park and turned towards my final destination.

I was happy to know that it was the early hours of the morning because then I wouldn't be accosted by any of the curious eyes of passers-by. They would surely question why I walked in such a sorrowful state with an ebony dress of satin coating my body and black heels upon my feet, and I had no wish to stop and explain.

How fitting that I was a widow dressed in black, perhaps that had been fate's cruel plan when it directed my eyes upon the dress in the wardrobe. Maybe it was already written that I would have to face this impossible task, the task of letting go of Edward completely. Not just giving away a half of me that loved an impossibility but also the part of me that loved a past memory. I had to let go of the last half that loved Edward Masen. I had to accept he was dead and there wasn't his immortal version to love.