I'm still here - YiZhan

Endless misses answered under the stars

It was a moment that Zhan could not bring himself to think at that point when he felt the familiar arms around him..... he found him yet again after all these months...is it true that Yibo's feelings didn't change at all through his embrace, it was the same....Zhan thought time would be able to keep them away, push Yibo to move on if he had played his part of not encouraging this relationship further given all the complications that was put forth.

Even his understanding of Yibo's depth of love was flawed....totally flawed. And this moment tonight after months of being apart....being in his arms again draw a flux of feelings. Zhan was afraid of this moment.....he was so meticulous in every planning, every observation that Yibo would eventually cool off, but he was fooled and in denial that the depth of their feelings crosses even centuries that they can't escape and run away after each tribulations - their souls will find each other back even. The night of misses that has compounded over months, sealed a love story that cannot be removed, written through time, even if they have to part in this live, their souls will wait patiently like how they have after each test and find its way back into each other.

He thought it was only back then that Yibo would be impulsive and unpredictable often catching him by surprise be it through their casual teasing or his words but it carried through even to their real lives. But then he Zhan realises after a while Yibo's impulsiveness triggered usually when it has to do with Zhan himself .

Yibo's embrace was warm, tight and comforting yet Zhan's heart was messed up. He was afraid, just afraid.

"I miss you" Yibo said while tightening his hold not letting Zhan go. It was just them and the stillness of the night and the starry night that filled the two souls. The occasional breeze made Zhan tremble but Yibo gave him the warmth and shielded him from the breeze.

"I miss you" He said again.

Zhan's heart had not been able to feel for the longest time ...he could not, those feelings were only written in the diary for Yibo. It's messed up in his mind and heart - it had not coordinated according to his plans yet he felt he had been such a hypocrite for embracing his true feelings, for allowing it to fall deeper because he is afraid he won't be able to get out when it fails. Can this really work for them, there were just to many what ifs. And he didn't want Yibo to be trapped in if their path were force to be apart, not by their hearts but by circumstances surrounding them.

Part of him wants to cherish this hug that he misses so much...so deeply, yet he wants to protect Yibo and shelter him from future circumstances.

They stayed quietly under the stars that night. Zhan was letting his heart mend in Yibo's arm...the broken heart of his that has decided to shut down these few months was recovering in this long lost embrace. His tears ....they were all dried up. So has Yibo's but he knew over these months, he had never been so sure he really wanted this path of theirs further.

He took Zhan's hand and fingers intertwining them with his setting it firmly over Zhan's waist and whispered "I'm as afraid as you, but I choose not to run away, I want to live this vow we made when we were still happily running around like innocent souls, even under harsh condition I want you to know I won't whither as long as you are here with me Ge. ...I'll catch you"

With that, Zhan closed his eyes and tried hard to shut his ears from absorbing what Yibo said. He had decided back then, the only way is to keep them apart only then can he protect him, even though if they can't be together, Yibo will not succumb to all the pressure of this relationship but he doesn't know anymore now how else if the method is not working for them.

"Don't think....feel, you need to trust me, trust your heart and trust us" Yibo continue, he knew Zhan so well but Yibo wants to be the one who decides this time for them. Zhan was drained with so many things and he did not have the energy to continue fighting this conflict in him. He rested quietly. Their lives have been a roller coaster ride ever since their debut. With fame came heavy responsibility, public perception and expectations. There were literally no space for them to think about them, it was others first for Zhan, while Yibo's view is different - these were the balancing element that made them even more complimentary of each other.

And this decision is theirs - can they have it both ways, again it is for them to figure out...expectations are aplenty but the fundamentals of such relationship where both parties are in the limelight most of the time is even a greater responsibility for each other and to others. The society needs to mature with time where celebrities are concern. While they appreciate their talent individually and commercially exploit their values at times, they will also need to support their success collectively this includes silently supporting their way of lives - it has to work both ways whichever path they choose.

Zhan pull Yibo's hand in and close it tighter into his embrace as they took the remaining time to catch up on the lost months - just quiet in each other's arm. Zhan was too tired to fight it. He lean onto Yibo letting his heart to continue to mend, his thoughts just blank. Just one night ....he ask that the rules and expectations be bend...rules and expectations that had been created for them.  This fight has been so tiring he just want to rest securely in his arms, it is too hard to ask for Zhan questioned himself. He had been harsh on himself, on them...

He sigh as he continue to rest quietly in this arms that had been cradling him in their walk to fame. He didn't want this night to end... at all. And under the stars these two souls rested and cried silently over their predicament not knowing when will be the next time they can find such moment in each other's arm again.
That night two souls quietly console each other. Zhan knew it was time to let go when they get back, this fairy tale exists in the past was so hard to grasp on.

"Yibo ....my heart feels pain" the first admission of such after months of being tough and denial in front Yibo. Yibo continue to hold him "I know " he said
Yibo knew for Zhan to transparently admit that this time, Zhan would have had to let go of every possible fear that he held onto from falling further, just coming back into his arms as pure as his feelings get. Just like how they first started.....Zhan surrender to Yibo's confession and advances even he felt conflicted, that was their first time when they had feel each other so deeply, trusting that Yibo will forever cradle this glass heart of Zhan's carefully. The wounded glass heart that has been trampled, abused by so many in recent months yet still so pure holding onto Yibo's love to mend and shelter it.