Stuck...Lost...Alone

Funeral:

"Ashes to Ashes...dust to dust"
And the funeral has come to an end. There's no way I'm staying for a minute longer. Funny how people always have these positive things to say and how they can go on and be like "if I had known.." or  "I should've realized..." or "This could have been avoided"  when a person dies. I'm hearing sides of my parents that I hardly ever saw, how mum was always fun and energetic, how dad was a family man, how their souls must rest in peace. Personally I hope their souls stay roaming the earth, they don't deserve peace for what they have put us through but I have to forgive them at some point. It still hurts and it's still raw. The way they left me, all of them, josh, mom and dad... everytime I see parents walking with their kids I feel sad, everytime I see how parents are invested in their children's lives I feel jealous. My parents are supposed to be here to see my graduate next year, to see me get married, to see me go through all my milestones in life, they supposed to be here to watch Dora grow up. She needs parents and I'm trying my best to raise her in a way I was not raised but I'm not fit to be a parent, nevermind a parent of a girl child. I know she's going through pain but she hides it with a smile, she's so helpful and friendly, kind and loving, she's a real godsent.
Before the casket went down, I stood their watching their two caskets. They looked so peaceful. At least now they wouldn't have money problems and arguments, at least now they would not have to stress about anything. Watching them bought back memories of Josh. The way he died. Suicide runs in the family. I thought I'd healed from that but standing here next to the open caskets it all came back to me, it hit me harder than before. Dora didn't even cry, it's like she's cut off her emotional side, she only feels happiness and joy. But I know that's not true, she's broken inside but she doesn't want to show it.

I go outside after the funeral, it's all just a bit too much. It's still unbelievable, it's been weeks since their deaths but it's like I haven't full processed it. Jess comes to me and just hugs me, no words, just hugs me and I'm grateful his here with me, I'm grateful that he has not tried to give his condolences like everyone else. Loosing my parents was not much of a loss, as harsh as that may sound it was a blessing. I wouldn't have met Jess ify parents were still alive. The tears run down my face and I let it keep going. The last time I cried was on Josh's funeral. But now everything is just overwhelming. As comfortable as I feel with Jess I can't help but think our relationship is toxic. He helped me a lot these past few days, but part of me feels that it's just his guilty conscience biting his ass. Have I really forgiven him? Everytime he says his going to be busy at work or his in a meeting I can't help but think that maybe his cheating again, maybe his with John again.
His arms that once used to be my safe haven now feels like anchors pulling me down. Everything feels forced. Maybe I'm just being dramatic but how long will our relationship last? I might die and if I do how soon will he move on? I've been depending on him emotionally and maybe he has had enough. Our relationship is not healthy but it's ours.
Dora comes out and holds my hand
"Reecie! It's time to go. Everyone is going over to Aunty for lunch, let's go to the park I don't think you going to like all the pity they give you"
I swear this child is a mind reader. I specifically don't like pity. Guess I got as much pride as my dad.

A/N: olá it's your girl yv. Hope y'all enjoyed reading that. Whats your two cents on this chapter?
Sorry for the late updates though, just been hella busy tryna finish my other book Brave, I'm only posting it once I'm done with this book tho😎😗