Johnny's Secret (The Outsiders)

Chapter 10

A/N: Outsiders spoiler alert!

    It had been two months and Jen still hadn't gotten used to her new "home." As a matter of fact it didn't even feel like home, it didn't have the qualities of the one she once knew. It was just a place she was staying at.
   She missed going to the creek at the park, having her hair flow in the wind as she played on the swings as a child. She missed the trickles of the water fountain on the other side of town, she missed the lights of the Dairy Queen and the silence of the streets at night. Houston was so much bigger than Tulsa, a lot more city than she was used to.
    Luckily, though, it was Thanksgiving break and she finally got to go back home to see family. But she really just wanted to see Johnny. She hasn't received a letter from him in a while, nor from any of his friends. She was afraid she had been forgotten about and that he had moved on to someone who could be with him all the time. She shook away those dreaded thoughts, though, as she knew they were in love. He would never do such a thing.
    "Jen we have to leave now!" She heard her mother call.
   "Alright I'm coming!" She slammed her suitcase shut and trampled down the stairs. They were planning on staying the entire holiday break, Johnny would be so excited! She met her parents at the Yellow Cadillac, joining them as they stuffed various bags into the trunk.
   "Excited to see Johnny?" Her mother asked.
   "You bet, I haven't heard from him in a while. Can't wait to hear about all his adventures!" She laughed.
   "I bet he'll be even more excited to see you, he really loves you." Jen smiled at her mother's remark and got in the back seat of the car. Tapping her fingers on her knees to the radio she looked around outside through the window. She thought about what she was gonna say to Johnny and how she would surprise him.
Should I just drive up again? No I did that last time. Maybe I should've called? Don't have his number. I guess it would just be best to go to Ponyboy's house, he's always there.
    Her parents finally joined her in the hot car.
   "Here we go again," Father said as he turned the key to start the ignition. The car drove away and Jen smiled as the house behind her got smaller and smaller. She was finally going home.

    Jen breathed in the Oklahoma air as she traveled the Tulsa streets. It hasn't changed about and the mood was happy and fun like it always has.
"Jen!" Cherry squealed. Jen had decided to stay at her friends house again before she had to see her family.
   "Hi!" They embraced each other in a tight hug and looked each other up and down excitedly as if they had gone though some drastic change.
   "Oh my god I missed you so much!" Cherry said, "how's school?"
   "We can't talk about it later. I need to see Johnny, do you know if he's at Ponyboy's?" Cherry went silent and her smile faded from her face. She let go of Jen's hands, avoiding eye contact. Jen gave her a confused look. "Cherry?" She said nothing. "Cherry, what's wrong with Johnny."
   "I think we should go to Ponyboy's," Cherry grabbed her hand and they walked their way to the other side of town. Jen felt scared now, and worried. Why had Cherry reacted this way? What happened while I was gone? She looked over at the park where she and Johnny had first talked. Empty, not one boy to be seen or one laugh to be heard.
   She looked around the deserted street. Still not many signs of residents, except for the occasional lamp that glowed from the windows. Finally they made it to the Curtis's little, white house. Cherry stopped at the gate and stood aside to let Jen go first. She she made her way up the steps she straightened her skirt and fluffed her hair. She tried to put on a small smile as to not look worried. She knocked on the door. She waited anxiously.
    Finally the door opened, and she could barely recognize the boy that stood before her. It was a young, blonde boy but with a familiar face.
   "Ponyboy?" Jen asked. He didn't say anything, he only looked down at the ground.
   "Hi Jen, come in." The two girls entered the house. Sodapop and Darry were watching television. Soda redirected his attention to the girl.
   "Jen!" He said. He stood up to greet her. "How are you?"
   "I'm fine, where's Johnny? Is he at home?" Soda's face then fell too, and Darry didn't even acknowledge what she said.
   "Sit down Jen," Ponyboy instructed while shutting the door. She sat down nervously on the couch and looked at him with concerned eyes.
   "Spit it out, what's going on?"
   "Jen... there's know good way of telling you this but..." finally the words came out of his mouth. The unexpected, terrifying words that Jen never would've saw coming. "Johnny's dead."
   Her heart dropped, she started to shake a little in horror. She grabbed at her face and tried to scream but it only came out as a faint gasp. Her heart was pounding and her breathing started to stutter as tears built up in her eyes.
   The four of them told her the whole story, about running away, about Bob and the rumble, about the church and the fire. Johnny's injuries. Dally's death. All of it was gruesome and horrifying. She regretted so much on she never got a real, final kiss goodbye before leaving him. She screamed and sobbed into her hands. She had never felt so heartbroken before in her life. What had she done to deserve this? What had he done?
My poor baby, she thought.
   "Do you want to visit the gravesite?" Cherry asked. Jen wiped away her tears and nodded. She, Cherry, and Ponyboy left the house together and didn't talk the whole way there.

    There it was. A small stone lay on the grass with the words:
Johnny Cade
                                1949-1965
                               "Stay Gold"
    "Those were his last words," Pony said. Jen cried and chuckled at the same time.
   "Of course they were," she ran her fingers against the carvings. She looked at the patch of dirt that lay beside her. She looked away quickly though as if to not faint. The grave was pretty empty, a few photographs of him lay there held in place by stones. A dead flower or two, and a box of cigarettes, along with a copy of "Gone With The Wind."
    "His parents still left nothing?" Jen asked.
    "Yeah. Those monsters, Johnny didn't deserve to be treated the way he did. He's lucky to have had you before he passed. You really helped him a lot." Ponyboy pat her back as she started to sob some more. She held in her cries as she watched Ponyboy walk over to a second, empty grave. She followed him and read the stone. "Dallas Winston."
   "This must've been so hard Pony, I'm so sorry."
   "Nothing we can do now except remember them. They're still with us, just not physically. At least that's what teacher said."
   "They are. They have to be." Ponyboy pointed over at a third grave.
   "That's Bob's." Jen stared at the grave, a lot more full and lively. Bouquets of flowers and baby pictures, letters and clothes that Bob had worn while still alive. She looked down at the empty grave that stood below her.
   "I have to go," she mumbled, then walked away from the two.
   "I'm really sorry Jen," Cherry said, Jen raised a hand as if to say "it's okay."

   She found her way back to her grandparents house. She snuck up the stairs quietly, not wanting to be bothered. After shutting the bedroom door she sat down at the desk in the corner of the room. She pulled out a pen and paper from one of the drawers.
Dear Johnny, she wrote. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't properly say goodbye, or ask for your number to call you. I'm sorry I didn't apologize earlier, I'm sorry for everything. I wish I could've been a better girlfriend, I never wanted to leave. I'm so happy and thankful for the time we've had together, every memory is a blessing to me and I'm happy I got to live through them with you. I love you Johnny. Say hi to Dally for me.
     Love, Jen.
  She folded the letter and stuck it inside an envelope. She wrote "Johnny" on the front with a heart beside his name. She licked the letter shut and snuck back downstairs and out of the house. She had to make one more stop before going back to the gravesite.
She ran to the park and stopped when she reached the hill. She looked down at her feet, she was in that exact spot 2 months ago. She looked to her side and imagined that Johnny was there with her. She closed her eyes and focused hard, hoping that her wish would come true snd that she'd see the small boy next to her. She opened them and only saw the swing set and the street. She let out a sigh and looked back down at the water.
He loved the frogs and the sparkling water, she thought. She slowly started going down the hill. She stopped as she reached the edge of the water and looked down at her reflection. She felt another crying fit coming on as her reflection curved with the rocky water. She wished she could see Johnny there too.
She shook her head back into focus on what she had to do. She looked around at all the flowers around the land, she walked around and picked them from their stems and gathered enough to make a thick bouquet of them. After she had found enough she pulled the black ribbon that held her hair in place and tied it around the bundle of colors. She buried her face inside the bouquet. It smelled familiar and like Johnny. She held the letter and the flowers close to her chest and made her way back to the graveyard.

She had found that Ponyboy and Cherry had left, now it was only her and the soft whispers of the breeze that remained. She found Johnny's tombstone and set the flowers down next to the pictures and cigarette. She then grabbed a stone and set the letter in place next to the bouquet. She made sure to put the flowers over it a bit so no one would take it.
"I still feel like I could never explain the love and hurt I have for you. But I hope you know that I do. I'll miss you Johnnycake." She stared at the stone solemnly. With a final sigh she stood from the ground and looked around at the empty field. Miles of stones sat ahead of her.
She noticed Dally's stone. She stared at it sadly as she should have brought something for him. She walked over to it.
"I'm sorry I didn't bring you anything Dally, you seemed like a great friend no matter how troubled you were. Thank you for showing me the way." She walked away from the stone and towards the gate where she'd exit the cemetery. She turned around and looked at the silhouettes of the graves in the sunlight.
"Stay gold, Johnny Cade. Stay gold."