"I was sick of letting the world run me so I decided to run the world."
~~~
Isabelle Cane was taken from her family at 6 months old, leaving behind 7 older brothers and a twin sister. In the 12 years she's been away, Izzy has faced hardships no chi...
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This war I talk about. The one I fight within myself. It's not as straightforward as you think it is. It is complex and exhausting. Much like me. It is a fight over everything and nothing. A debate that no one is winning. It's been ongoing my whole life. Or, as much of my life as I can remember. It's always something new. Always something draining and painful. And it always ends up feeling wrong. No matter what I do, nothing ever feels right.
It doesn't feel right to trust Logan. To give up and give in to my childish whims to be held and cared for. But it felt wrong not to trust him either. He had done nothing but show he was trustworthy. Of everyone in our family, he deserves my trust and respect the most. So I am at a loss. I can't trust him, but I can't not. Not after all that he's done for me, all the ways he's proved his dedication to me. Not after what he did for me this morning. I had barely moved from the couch for hours. Logan had moved me there shortly after I got back. I had sobbed for nearly 2 hours. Everything hurt. This was the everything that I was afraid to feel. I still couldn't decide if this was better than nothing. Internal battle, yet again.
A white fluffy blanket was wrapped around my shoulders. Some kids movie played quietly on the TV. I had stopped paying attention a while ago. I was tired, but I wouldn't sleep. Everytime I shut my eyes I saw him. Smiling. How could he smile knowing what he did? Knowing who he hurt? How many he hurt? If I had done that, I would never smile again. I think my lips would forget the shape if I had caused what he did. He was happy. He didn't deserve to be happy. He didn't deserve to be sad either. He deserved nothing. To feel nothing, to be nothing. That would be the curse for him. To know what it's like to feel nothing. I wondered if it made me a bad person to wish that on a person. If it did, I couldn't find it in me to care.
I hadn't told them what happened. Logan or Teo. They wouldn't have understood and I had no energy to explain it. No one knew about Marley. It never seemed relevant. She was my friend, my rock, my family. She was my problem to deal with and think about. No one else's. But now, I wished more than anything that someone understood. But no one did. And no one would. Like everything else that involved me, it was too complicated and exhausting to begin to understand.
Teo gently sat next to me. Logan had left a short while ago. He said he needed something back home. I barely even acknowledged that he had spoken. It wasn't until the heat of his body against mine vanished that I noticed his departure.
"Wanna watch something else, kid? Maybe something a little less colorful?" Teo had quickly taken Logan's place next to me, but thankfully not nearly as close. He kept trying to talk to me. I felt sort of bad that I didn't talk back. My eyes drifted down to my lap, where my hands dug into one another.
I kept seeing her blood. The blood that stained my hands for days after I found her. Crimson and sticky. It had clung to my skin for so long. A constant reminder of it all. I was desperate to forget. Especially in the beginning. I refused to believe it was even real for 2 months. People thought I was crazy for denying her death, but really, I was just grieving. Trying to find a way for myself to feel better. To make it not hurt so much. And it's so sad to think denial was the only way I could do that.
