The World That Was Mine (Part I & II)

XXII

My brain was not meant for this world. It is too dense, too dark, too broken. My brain was meant for a place far quieter than this world. Somewhere I could be at peace. Maybe if my brain was meant for here, I wouldn't always feel so constricted and panicked all the time. I sometimes wonder where it is that I belong. Where my brain is meant for. I dream of places where I don't feel like this. Where the air isn't thick with emotion and my soul isn't weighted down by my worries. It is a dream that will always remain as such. A dream. A non-reality.

I was hiding in the gas station bathroom. It was a dirty, unconventional hiding place, but it was the only one I could find where I didn't feel like their eyes were burning holes into me. The boys, all three of them, have been staring at me for the last six hours interchangeably. I wasn't sure why honestly. As far as I knew, on the outside I looked totally fine. My emotions were buried far beneath the surface, where they would never have a reason to worry. Maybe they were staring at me because I had grown a third head I was not aware of, but I had an inkling that the looks I was getting from all of them had more to do with their own guilt than my external state. Well, Tyler and Finley's were anyway. I had no doubt that Logan's was genuine concern.

I leaned against the bathroom sink, my head against the mirror. It reminded me of what I had done just weeks earlier in the Brinley police station bathroom. It was hard to believe how much had changed since then. And I couldn't say most was for the better.

So far, I have found more pain and heart break with who was supposed to be my family than I ever did by myself in my hometown. The worst I endured there was brainless quips from middle schoolers and my mother's occasional meltdown. I never thought I'd wish for that life back. The thought of going back to Harlan was sickening. Because I knew what awaited me there. Or rather, who awaited me there.

I had no idea what I was going to say to Emma. I had been so preoccupied with my issues in Brinley, that I had more or less forgotten about all that waited for me in Harlan. I had no idea what Emma was going to be like.  She was so angry last time I saw her. I hated anger. I hated being angry, but I hated others being angry with me more than anything. I couldn't help the panic that rose in me every time I thought about Emma. Panic. I was always in a mind crushing state of panic. It was so tiring.

A knock on the door made me jump. "Someone's in here." I called, taking a deep breath and composing myself. I was still a mess. My hair, though once braided perfectly, was now falling out in frizzy curls around my face. My eyes were dull and tired, laying atop a bed purplish skin that reminded me of how little sleep I had been getting.

"Izzy? It's me." Logan's voice came through the door. This was the second time today we had a conversation through a bathroom door. It may have been funny if I wasn't so distressed both times.

"O-one second." I muttered, pushing off the sink.

"How ya doin' buddy?" Logan asked once I opened the door. He wore a small, sad smile, that somehow made my heart swell with the smallest bit of happiness. He seemed to be the only one who consistently cared about me. And so far, he hasn't done anything to contribute to my misery. It was sad to think of how low the bar was. If you didn't emotionally damage me even more than I already was, then you might as well be the next mother Teresa in my eyes. I shrugged, not looking at him.