Toxic (JIKOOK) COMPLETED

28.

The glass partition between us, him on the other side and and me on another side..we were near but yet so far.

I surely was uncertain and tentative about visiting him in the prison. But his letter changed my mind. He wanted me to come and see him.

Those ink smudged alphabets told me he was crying while writing to me.
Just the single thought of him shedding tears brought me to where he was.

His appearance had changed drastically. He had lost a lot of weight. The prison wear looked so unusual in him. He looked even more messier with the stubbles around his cheeks. He had a very tired face but yet he was looking beautiful. He always looked beautiful except the times he scared me with his actions.

'You came!' He said with his shaky voice. He was not surprised rather his expression told me he knew I was going to come and see him.

'What else did you expect? I had to come when you were crying while writing to me.' He chuckled.

'You still know me so better.'

'Though I don't want to.' I immediately said not wanting him to think I was still not over him. I was over him long ago. I just wasn't over the jungkook whom I met during my uni days.

'You look different.' He said scanning me through his eyes.

'Over this course of time, I understood life is supposed to live for your ownself not for others which I did in the past. May be that's why I look different.' I stated.

'I am glad. I am glad that you are finally living a life you always deserved. A free and a happy one.' He smiled.

Freedom was evident in my current life and but was my life a happy one? I doubted.

The source of my happiness was inside the prison looking so miserable.

'There was a time when I wished for your life to become miserable. I wanted to hurt you like you did to me. I wanted you to feel what I was feeling. And now that the situation is exactly like how I wished once, I feel nothing.' I said.

That one time when I was determined to bring misery in his life sooner or later for the things he did to me, I thought I hated him.

I didn't fall for him out of my choice so how could I even hate him all of a sudden.

'Why can't I just hate you? Why can't I just forget you? Why can't I just throw your memories out of my brain? Why can't I just move on?'I nearly screamed. He was a phase of my life which never passed.

'I am sorry, jimin. It's all due to mine obsessive and stupid actions that led us to this. I was impulsive and aggressive all the time. I couldn't value you. I abused you. I lied to you. I betrayed you and mocked your feelings all the time. I wanted to control you. I wanted you to always be by my side. I was insecure. Please forgive me.'

I couldn't believe what he was saying. His sorry could never make up for what he did to me. His apology could never make me forgive his deeds.

'You beat me yet I came running to you. I even got anxious when you didn't talk to me for something which was your own fault. You never made me feel like a human. I was always your pet to whom you pampered sometimes for obeying and rest of the time, you did every other things that broke me bit by bit. Even animals are treated in a nicer way than this. You kept on stepping on my emotions and I kept on forgiving you. You kept on lying to me and I kept on believing you. You kept on with your abusive behaviour and I kept on tolerating it thinking you would stop with your abuse one day. You kept on slutshaming me and I kept on craving for your genuine warmth. I kept on coming to you with my black and blue body, blaming myself for disobeying you and you kept on making me believe that I was the reason for the failure of our relationship. What was there to fail when we had no sort of relationship. You were my owner and I was your possession like you always said. Don't say sorry, it will make you look more shameless than you are.' It was astounding how I was so calm and composed all the time and he was trembling and bawling his eyes out.

'I lost a gem like you jimin. I am no human. I hurted you. I wish for nothing except yours and our child's happiness. I can no longer redeem myself. Please forgive me. Just try and loathe me as much as you can. I don't want anything else.' He was literally sobbing.

'I do loathe you but my love for you exceeds all of my hatred for you. There was no need to be insecure when I was not even mine rather I was always yours. You were the one I had dedicated my whole life to and you were also the one due to whom I was going to end my life. You saved me from my parents just to do the worst. You deserve everything you are getting but I don't feel good. My heart is not at peace while seeing you like this. I can't forgive you but yet I can't hate you. I loathe you but yet I can't unlove you.'

'I don't deserve to live. I am sorry. I will be sorry until I take my last breathe.' He said wiping his tears with his sleeve.

'Shut up. Who told you, you don't deserve to live? You will live. Didn't you say, you wanted to see me happy? This is how you can make me happy. Live, repent and redeem yourself. I won't be alive let alone be happy if something happens to you. Be a good human being and live your life with honesty. That's all I can wish for. Cry for what you did to me. But do not cry thinking I hate you. Because I never hated you. I still don't and I won't ever hate you. You are my life! I will love you until my last breath. We couldn't be together. We couldn't be one but I will keep on loving you. Your memories would haunt me like a nightmare every other time but I will keep on loving you. I would hate you when our child will question about his other father in future, but I will keep on loving you. I will curse you everytime I would fail to move on but I will keep on loving you. Because you mean everything to me.' I said and the police officer standing alteast 4 feet away from jungkook indicated me that the visit period is over by tapping his wrist watch.

'The next time I will come, I will bring you, our child's photo for you to see how pretty he is. ... His eyes are just like yours. But I will make sure he won't become like you in future. He won't have to live in guilt because I would make sure he won't do any such thing that will destroy another person's life along with his own.' I stood up and left the room without turning back.

I couldn't let him see my tears that fell for saying harsh things to him. Though he was much more harsher to me before, he was the only one for whom my heart fluttered in the end. It was pathetic but true.