Dissolving

Chapter 30 - Secret Society

I just look at Finn for a moment, unable to reply.

His words unleashed a flood of emotions inside me. I try to tell myself that he was being sarcastic when he said he was glad that I am still alive. But that possibly innocent remark does something to me and I don't understand why. A shiver runs down my spine and I have to swallow hard to suppress the bile that is threatening to rise in my throat.

Did I risk my life meeting up with Kolinsky?

Was I really that reckless?

How could I voluntarily put my brothers in danger by making them come with me?

"Tiny?" Finn's voice barely registers with me.

I successfully drown him out.

Apart from suddenly being scared of my own courage from a few days ago, I also grow a really bad conscience. Which is nothing new for me. It has been a constant companion ever since I first confronted my brothers with what I found in the attic. And that bad conscience was emphasized after I ran away and had to face the impact this had on my family.

Still, for some reason, it is never enough to make me stop what I am doing. The opposite, really. Although I don't like going behind my brothers' backs and I hate hurting them – and myself – in the process, I just cannot stop doing it. It's like an invisible force that drives me to keep digging.

Justice.

This is the main driver behind my actions. I feel betrayed by all these secrets that are threatening to tear my family, my safe place, apart. My brothers claim that they are not telling us everything because they want to keep us safe.

But safe from what?

Their stubbornness, their unwillingness to come clear about certain things that are so very important to me to find out about is what drove me to contact a drug dealer in the first place. I should not be the only person to blame for this mess, even if I caused the majority of it. They pushed me to go against their rules, to go behind their backs.

I can be stubborn, too.

"Hello, are you there?" Again, Finn's voice filters through to me.

I am not ready yet to say anything, my mind is still too frazzled. I have no clue why the term "still alive" triggered these jumbles of thoughts. All I know is that I need to sort through them first before I can have a conversation with anyone.

Am I willing to risk my brothers' oh so sacred safety for the truth?

Another shivers runs down my spine and I instinctively wrap my arms around my torso, as if that could keep me from the cold that seems to creep up deep inside and has now engulfed me.

"Hey, what are you doing? Where are you going?" Finn's tinny voice sounds from somewhere behind me.

I continue to ignore him while I try to wrap my head around what happened in the past few days. It has been such whirlwind of events and emotions that I never even took the time to think about it all until now.

On Wednesday, I was busy getting the money from Kolinsky. Then we had that massive fallout with Alex and that troublesome, sleepless night which consumed my mind too much for me to reflect on anything that I had done.

On Thursday, I had Will's birthday to worry about. And Jordan staying home with me as well as the session with Sam to distract me.

Yesterday, I was dead tired from all the happenings, causing my brain to not run on full capacity all day. I fell into a dreamless sleep around 8pm, completely exhausted.