The Sea of You & Me

12. Kenny

Chapter Song: Invisible String- Taylor Swift

I woke up wrapped in Cal's arms. My legs were intertwined with his as we layed on the living room floor. Our clothes were all across the living room, but at least we managed to move the candles.

I slowly untangled myself from him and grabbed one blanket before picking up my clothes. I grabbed all of his and left it in a pile next to him befor tip toeing upstairs.

I wasn't sure when anyone else would get here but hopefully he'd be awake or clothed by then. If he wasn't at least awake by the time I got done showering I'd wake him up. We didn't need anyone to see this.

I turned up the hot water letting it consume me and wake me up more. It felt so good sliding down my back. Instantly I felt myself begin to unwind.

I should not have done that. We shouldn't have done that. What was wrong with me!

We were alone in a room together for one night and I threw myself at him. It was probably a new record for us, but I doubt it. Actually, there were shorter times in highschool but that was then.

Ugh.

How was I supposed to act now? What did it even mean?

Nothing.

It should mean nothing. Just two high school exes with lots of history hooking up. It was fine. People did it all the time. Except they didn't. And they weren't us. Oh this was about to get messy.

I don't even know why I did it. I just couldn't help myself. Maybe it was feeling vulnerable after talking so openly about things with him. There were things we needed to say to eachother. I know I had more to say, and I'm sure he did. But to be honest that would be for another day. Certainly not today. Or this weekend. Maybe after the wedding.

I couldn't help but think about that night. I hated to remember it, but for some reason the damn storm made me. Or maybe it was just Cal being there in his Cal manner. The whole let me take care of you and make sure you are okay. I swear one day that man will work himself to death over someone. He'll put anyone before himself. Whoever his person is, they are lucky.

He was there for me, and Liam, and our family. And I threw him away. I tossed him aside for my own selfish needs. Because I was too damn scared to face the loss. Instead I tried to run from my problems. He knew it, I knew, everyone knew what a coward I was.

You can't escape those kinds of problems though.

He was right when he talked about beautiful things being broken. I broke him in a way I don't think can be repaired. He's a beautiful person too good for what could ever dream of. I didn't deserve him.I never did. I think it was a small part of why I left.

Maybe that was why I was always trying to push him away. Run away was more like it. He was right about it. Even if I didn't admit it I always knew. I guess I just became so good at it that I didn't know how not to.

I felt a little lighter getting things off my chest. I may not know what's gonna happen when I get downstairs but at least I said some things I needed to. Not everything but it was a start.

I tried to mindlessly shampoo and condition my hair but last night kept repeating in my head. It was good. Actually it was amazing. I wouldn't mind it happening again. For scientific reasons of course. Have to make sure that it wasn't our candles that really set the tone.

Ugh.

I needed to stop this nonsense, this was not the weekend for this. This weekend was about Liam and Riley. One of the last few weekends before the wedding. Not the time to be selfish. I can worry about my problems after the wedding. I needed to focus.