Little Secrets, Little Bucky

Battle Of Wills

It had been two weeks since Bucky had even been in the same room as her for more than a few seconds. Every time she entered a space he was in, he'd drop whatever he was doing and leave as fast as possible. She hadn't had the chance to say more than a couple words to him, despite living on the same floor of the tower.

Although Y/n had been ready for Bucky to panic as soon as he woke up from his nap that evening, she hadn't realized how fast he could be. It took less than two minutes for Bucky to wake up, look at her with an expression that could only be described as complete humiliation, and then make a run for the door. Literally. He sprinted out of her suite, blanket in tow and she heard his door slam shut.

Y/n could have stopped him, but years of experience with her brother had gone a long way towards teaching her that cornering a frightened soldier was a bad idea. Trying to talk to Bucky right now was only going to result in him panicking even more than he already was. For now it was better to let Bucky run away and recover from the embarrassment in private while Y/n figured out a better way to approach him. Even if just thinking about how scared Bucky must be feeling at the moment was enough to make her wish she could just go and gather him into her arms until he understood how much she cared about him, big or little.

After she, Sam, and her brother had brought him home, he had bonded quickly to her and before long their friendship rivaled even his and Steve's. She had talked him out of panic attacks, and held his hand after nightmares. She had even gone with him to his first couple therapy appointments after SHIELD mandated it for all of the team. But he had never allowed her to see him anywhere near this level of vulnerability. After the years of abuse and control, she wasn't surprised he wanted to deal with this on his own. No one but himself could be trusted, at least not in his eyes. But the events of that afternoon had proved to Y/n that on the inside, Bucky was apparently nothing more than a terrified little boy, desperate for affection. It bothered her that any of her friends could look that way, and she couldn't rid herself of the urge to protect that little boy that so clearly needed someone.

"JARVIS?" Y/n said out loud, setting her empty plate down on the coffee table.

"If I were to ask you some questions about Bucky and what happened a couple weeks ago, would you be able to answer me?"

"Sergeant Barnes has made much of the information relating to that side of himself private," JARVIS replied. "Although I will do my best."

If he couldn't answer Y/n's questions, or even give her a starting point she didn't know what she would do. Bucky had just looked so scared. It was killing her that he probably still felt that way and she couldn't do anything about it. "JARVIS, how often would you say Bucky does this?"

JARVIS was silent for a moment, as if processing whether he was allowed to answer her, before he responded, "About once a month for an hour or two."

"But he needs it more," He was clearly struggling, and she had a feeling that his headspace may be the key to helping him.

"According to my data, Sergeant Barnes would function best if he had the opportunity to be in that frame of mind at least once a week for extended periods of time, if not more often."

Outright approaching Bucky was still not an option. But if it was true that he had been neglecting his headspace to that extent, then he must have been getting desperate. The real question was whether Bucky would let himself be little again, or whether he would drown himself in solitude and self-hatred to the point where that part of himself died.

Y/n couldn't let that happen. Not with the memory of that little boy clutching onto his blankie, looking up at her with pleading eyes so fresh in her mind. Eyes that begged for not only security, but also affection and love. She didn't know the full details of what Bucky's past had been like, no one did. But she did know that she wanted to keep that little boy safe.