(Silently Drowning Series - Book Two)
Maybe that's it. We eventually go numb; because you can't break a heart that's already broken.
Maxwell Augustus; A boy who has seen nothing but hatred, yet somehow he's filled with so much love. Covered in scar...
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Maxwell Augustus
"Shane... Please stop." I beg, I can't remember the last time I begged him for anything.
"You really are an idiot Maxwell. You ruined my life and you really think I'll listen to a word you have to fucking say?" He quite literally spits in my face right before bringing his knee to my ribs causing a sharp part to rush through my body as I fell to my knees.
"Shane.. Please."
"Nuh uh Maxwell, you know dads rules, shut your mouth before I decide to tell him about this.
There was once a time I was convinced Shane really did care for me, maybe he was just a good actor.
As a toddler he was the reason I never starved to death because our father couldn't be bothered. He held me and rocked me when our dad would hit me and he would often sneak snacks into my room but as I've mentioned before, I only have one full memory pertaining to a guy that happened to share a face with my brother. Everything else feels like a really weird fever dream.
I really believed he loved me back then.
Maybe it was all a show so he could break me even more and damn was he good at it.
One day all the caring gestures stopped and he became yet another monster.
He once said that if I haven't died yet that must mean I can handle it and that I should stop 'whining'.
Maybe I can, Maybe I can't.
Either way, just because I'm capable of carrying the weight of their abuse... Does that really mean I deserve it?
Perhaps I will never know the answer to that ever growing question.
Trauma often steals your voice.
People will eventually get tired of constantly asking 'what's wrong' when you wince while standing from your seat, and you will one day run out of nothings to tell them.
You're Not you anymore, and maybe you don't even know who 'you' are.
Truthfully we don't understand the concept of innocence until we lose ours.
I can't even be too sure I ever had this 'innocence' that others speak of constantly.
I will never understand how someone could hurt someone else so violently and then just continue on with your day like it's your average Tuesday.
I don't think I will ever be capable of wrapping my head around that idea.
**
I think there may have once been a time where I could never really understand why somebody would want to hurt themselves. Especially with the life I live, I couldn't help but question why?
